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"THREE MEN AND A BABY" (1987) (Tom Selleck, Ted Danson) (PG) QUICK TAKE: Comedy: New York bachelors in a penthouse apartment take in a baby girl left on their doorstep, without a clue what to do. PLOT: In a luxuriously designed New York apartment, three bachelors live with different careers and different women, sometimes a revolving door of them. It's a good life for them and good careers, with Peter (TOM SELLECK) an architect, Michael (STEVE GUTTENBERG) a cartoonist, and Jack (TED DANSON) an actor headed to Turkey to work on a TV movie. While Jack is in Turkey, the lives of Peter and Michael change drastically when they find a "package" on their doorstep that Jack told them about from the airport, instructing them not to let anybody know about it because "it's a delicate matter." The "package" turns out to be a baby in a bassinet, Jack's baby with a woman named Sylvia who leaves a note telling him that she can't deal with raising a baby right now and asking him to take care of the girl, named Mary. While they struggle to learn how to take care of a baby, it turns out that the "package" Jack was talking about was related to a favor his friend, a TV commercial director, asked him to do. And that was to keep the package -- which turns out to be heroin that's to be given to whoever comes to pick it up a few days later -- with him (a subplot is introduced where the baby is erroneously thought to be the package to be given). Later, Jack comes home and it's time for him to take on the responsibility of being a father, and all three must contend with that as well as the drug dealers, including Vince (PAUL GUILFOYLE), seeking the heroin. WILL KIDS WANT TO SEE IT? The comedic possibilities exhibited in taking care of a baby might interest kids and those who have seen Ted Danson and Tom Selleck in their well-known TV roles might be interested to see them in something different. WHY THE MPAA RATED IT: PG While no official reason is given, it's likely due to language, some sexual material, drug related content and possibly the nudity of the baby. CAST AS ROLE MODELS: TOM SELLECK plays Peter Mitchell, an architect who owns the penthouse apartment the men design at the beginning of the film. He's the busiest of the three, in charge of construction of a building in New York and carrying on a somewhat steady relationship with Rebecca, even though he and she don't mind going out with different people. He is the most affected by Mary's arrival, suddenly thrust into learning how much supplies babies need, including food, diapers, wipes, towels, etc. However, despite the frustrations in learning how to diaper, feed and put the baby to sleep, he grows very close to her. TED DANSON plays Jack Holden, an actor and the most promiscuous of the men, seeing woman after woman. That leads to the situation that finds Mary on the doorstep of the men's apartment with a note from Sylvia, whom he had a fling with a year and a half prior. He flies off to Turkey to shoot a TV movie before Mary arrives and is met with the shock of seeing her after he returns, also to angry roommates whose lives have been wildly disrupted. STEVE GUTTENBERG plays Michael Kellam, a cartoonist most well known for a comic strip tiger called Johnny Cool. Compared to Peter and Jack, he doesn't have as much luck with the women mainly because, as Peter observes, he spends more time repairing broken relationships for the women he talks to and it does nothing for him. Michael is also surprised by the arrival of Mary, faced with having to take care of her for a long period of time while Peter is out shopping for baby supplies. But like Peter and Jack later on, he becomes very attached to Mary. PAUL GUILFOYLE places Vince, the drug dealer seeking out the package that was left to Jack from his director friend. He's a typical thug, greasy-looking, not at all pleasant, though he is amused by the men giving him the baby, believing that that's the package he's looking for. CYNTHIA HARRIS plays Mrs. Hathaway, the men's neighbor, pressed into service as a babysitter for Mary. CELESTE HOLM plays Mrs. Holden, Jack's mother, who is proud to have a grandchild, but refuses to watch her for Jack, believing that he needs to finally own up to being responsible, particularly with this new responsibility. MARGARET COLIN plays Rebecca, Peter's sometime-girlfriend who is ok with going out with other people, evidenced by Jan, a cellist she goes out with on a date. However, Peter's care for Mary finds her warming up to him more than before. NANCY TRAVIS plays Sylvia Bennington, Mary's mother, who arrives for a reason that does not please the men. CAST, CREW, & TECHNICAL INFO HOW OTHERS RATED THIS MOVIE Curious if this title is entertaining, any good, and/or has any artistic merit? Then read OUR TAKE of this film. (Note: The "Our Take" review of this title examines the film's artistic merits and does not take into account any of the possibly objectionable material listed below). OUR WORD TO PARENTS: The following is a brief summary of the content found in this PG-rated comedy. Profanity consists of 8 "s" words while other expletives and colorful phrases are uttered. Sexually related dialogue is present as is a brief female to male grope, while there is some infant nudity, mainly with a bottom being seen. Violence consists only of some brief striking of others and other such contact, while bad attitudes are present, as is scatological material. Potentially imitative behavior occurs as does drinking, while drug-related content is also present. Should you still be concerned about the film's appropriateness for yourself or anyone else in your home, you may want to look more closely at our detailed listings for more specific information regarding the film's content. ALCOHOL OR DRUG USE Peter brings glasses and champagne into the completed mural room. A cork is popped, champagne is poured, and the men clink glasses and drink. Various party guests have drinks in hand. A hand is seen taking two wine bottles off the rack inside a refrigerator. Peter drinks booze twice from a glass and Michael drinks beer twice from a green bottle. Jack walks into the kitchen and asks, "What's a good year for pronging chicks?" Peter responds, "The '82 Bordeaux on the left works every time." Jack says to Peter and Michael, "What do you say, I get rid of Cherise....the three of us hunker down with a bottle of wine and shoot some pool?" From the airport, Jack calls Michael and Peter and tells them to expect a package, but not to do anything with it until Thursday when someone will come to pick it up. He's doing it as a favor to a friend, but it turns out that the package contains packets of heroin, worth a quarter of a million dollars. This plays into the plot as Michael and Peter mistakenly believe that a guy named Vince has come for the baby, but it's the drugs he's after. Besides the on-screen action (including Michael shoving the packets into one of Mary's diapers in order to hide it), some dialogue also references this situation. A hand is seen removing two wine bottles off the same refrigerated rack and replacing them with two baby bottles. Jack drinks twice from a glass of red wine. BLOOD/GROSS STUFF Mrs. Hathaway picks up Mary from Michael and plays with her for a bit before noticing the diaper, and tells Michael, "You do realize she did a doodle." In a following scene, Peter takes off Mary's diaper and a load of poop can be seen. Michael then asks, "How can something so small create so much in something so disgusting?" We see Mary urinating and the stream drips down her legs and onto the fallen diaper as well as the couch. While bathing Mary, Peter tells Michael, "You're going to have to wash where the poop was." We hear the sound of Mary pooping in the sweater that Peter has wrapped her in, just as he picks her up. Peter reads a Sports Illustrated article about a boxing match to Mary and it documents a boxing match, including the line, "Smith, his left eye swollen, and the cut above his right eye now much more bloody..." DISRESPECTFUL/BAD ATTITUDE Most of the following is intended as comedy. While walking around the apartment with a camcorder at Peter's birthday party and imitating the voice of Robin Leach, Michael spots Rebecca and says, "The public wants to know, what an attractive, witty, successful woman sees, in a bozo like my roommate." Walking down a hallway, Michael says to Peter, "You know, in this light, you're kind of ugly." Michael and Jack each refer to women as "chicks" in one scene. Jack agrees to take in a package for a director friend of his until it can be picked up and he lets Michael and Peter know about it from the airport. The "package" brings Vince, a drug dealer, to the door of the penthouse apartment, intending to collect the package, which we learn later has heroin in it. Michael and Peter assume that the package Vince is seeking is the baby (as that's the package they thought Jack meant when he told them about it) and they hand Mary over to him. Outside, not having much room in his car, Vince considers putting Mary in the trunk, but writes it off as too absurd. Later, with the apartment ransacked, Peter walks through the house, trying to find Mary, thinking that she's been taken by Vince, but she's ok, and has a note attached, threatening that Mary will be taken next. Peter, simultaneously frustrated with taking care of Mary and with Rebecca going out on a date with a Hungarian cellist, snaps at Rebecca when the Hungarian cellist observes that babies are hard work, saying, "What is he, an idiot savant?" And when Rebecca reminds Peter that they both agreed it would not be a problem to go out with other people, Peter exclaims, "You can go out with the whole damn string section for all I care..." FRIGHTENING/TENSE SCENES After giving Mary to Vince, Peter sits down on the couch and believes that "there's something screwy going on..." He finds the heroin package, realizes that the baby wasn't what Vince came for, and hurriedly searches for him, hoping he hasn't yet driven away. He then goes downstairs and outside and gets the baby from Vince. In one scene, the apartment has been ransacked, presumably by Vince and his associate searching for the heroin, and Peter comes in, sees this mess, and panics when he can't find Mary right away. He goes from room to room, soon finding her in a closet in the kitchen and a note which says that next time, the baby will be next. GUNS/WEAPONS Vince's associate takes a gun out of the glove compartment of his car, as Peter tries to get the baby back from Vince, but nothing further is done with it after a cop shows up on horseback. IMITATIVE BEHAVIOR Phrases: "Beats the sh*t out of me," "And there's been sh*t all over this place..." "Well did you put the sh*t back?" "Sh*t!" "Aw, sh*t!" "Oh bullsh*t!" "I'm a g*ddamn saint," "What's a good year for pronging chicks?" "What is he, an idiot savant?" "You know, in this light, you're kind of ugly," "The man is one giant gland," "They gotta be kidding!" "You've been a source of great distress," "You can drive a guy to drink, you know that?" "Where the hell have you been?" "You have no idea how much crap these kids need," "Take it easy, kid," "Oh! She doodled," "You're damn straight," "There's something screwy going on..." "Oh damn it," "Jeez!" "I've had enough of this doo-doo," "Dealing with amateurs is a real pain in the ass," "What the hell happened?" "You punks!" "Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide," and "I will see you burn in hell." Michael walks around the crowded penthouse apartment with a camcorder during Peter's birthday and imitates Robin Leach's voice, announcing, "Welcome to the Lifestyles of the Average and Anxious!" He then goes on to describe the apartment and Peter. To try to make a woman feel better about a broken relationship, Michael puts a tiger puppet over his shoulder and adopts a jive-type voice as Johnny Cool, a comic strip character he draws. Michael asks Rebecca what she sees in Peter and Rebecca's final thought is that "he has the most amazing---," and then she grabs Michael by the clothed genitals and Michael adopts a high-pitched voice and says, "Thank you Rebecca!" Michael makes a bird figure with his hands to try to quiet Mary and in a subsequent scene, he tries again, playing Johnny Cool. In suggesting to the baby that he sing a song for her, Michael says, "How about: Hush little baby, don't you cry. When Peter gets home, I'm gonna punch him in the eye." Michael slams down a container of baby powder and it bursts all over. A man walks in the dark through the apartment and, assuming that it's an intruder, Peter throws a basketball and it hits the man, and Peter tackles him and they roll around on the floor. In a coordinated act, Jack throws a baby bottle to Michael, who throws it to Peter, who misses a few times before finally catching it. Peter playfully attacks Rebecca with a pillow after she says to him that she's having trouble sleeping and asks him if he could sing to her, in response to him singing to the baby earlier. Wondering what he'd look like if he was pregnant, Jack tucks a pillow under his sweater and looks in a mirror. JUMP SCENES None MUSIC (SCARY/TENSE) A moderate amount of tense music occurs in the film. MUSIC (INAPPROPRIATE) None PROFANITY At least 8 "s" words, 2 slang terms for sex ("pronging") 12 hells, 5 damns, 2 craps, 1 ass, 4 uses of "G-damn," 2 uses each of "Jesus" and "Oh my God" and 1 use each of "For Christ's sake" and "Oh God." SEX/NUDITY Various women walk in and out of the penthouse apartment, possibly for sexual escapades with the men. A woman jogging alongside Peter wears short running shorts. On two sides of a wall mural are women painted in chorus-line fashion, their legs up high. Michael asks Rebecca what she sees in Peter and amidst a few traits, she also says, "...he has got the most amazing---," and grabs Michael by the genitals. He adopts a high voice, saying, "Thank you Rebecca!" Jack greets a woman named Angela with, "You look different. What happened?" "I'm dressed," she replies. Peter kisses Rebecca on the neck. Michael says to Peter, "...I have more on my mind than simply pronging chicks," and with that, Jack walks into the kitchen, asking "what's a good year for pronging chicks?" He refers to wine. After Jack puts forth the suggestion of spending time playing pool with Peter and Michael instead of spending time with Cherise, Michael says to Jack and Peter, "I got a better idea. You two hunker down and play some pool and I'll---," meaning sex with Cherise. Before Jack leaves the room, he says to the men, "Oh, guys, tough job, but it's got to be done," talking about making love to Cherise. Peter comments, "That man is one giant gland." After figuring out that the baby must be the package Jack was talking about, Peter says to Michael, "I'd say he [Jack] takes his procreation business a little lightly." Michael turns on the TV for the baby and Dr. Ruth Westheimer is on with, "Women are wondering: Are they having an orgasm? Men are worried maybe their penis...." Michael hears this and immediately shuts off the TV. Mrs. Hathaway coos over the baby and tells Michael, "Unfortunately, Mr. Hathaway and I were never able to have any of our own. Mr. Hathaway has a low sperm count." Michael, exasperated with caring for this baby, replies, "Some guys have all the luck." In a few scenes, the baby is nude, but her bare bottom is mostly seen. A roller-skating woman spins around in a short pink skirt and her undergarments are seen. SMOKING None TENSE FAMILY SCENES The arrival of the baby causes much stress for Michael and Peter, who have never taken care of a baby in their lives and it equally surprises Jack when he gets back from Turkey. Most of the scenes involving this sudden care are comedic. After handing the baby over to Vince, Peter senses something wrong about it and after finding the original package given to Michael around the same time of the baby's arrival, he realizes the mistake, panics and hurries to try to get Mary back. Later, Peter comes home to a ransacked apartment and searches for Mary, extremely worried that Vince took her, and then he finds her in a closet. TOPICS TO TALK ABOUT At the beginning of the film, many women come to see the bachelor men. A friend of Jack's asks him to look after a package that will be delivered to him and then picked up about two days after. It turns out that the package contains heroin and the friend is involved in drug smuggling. The responsibility of taking care of a baby. Peter walks through a supermarket, simply looking for a jar of baby food and he comes upon a whole aisle of baby supplies, and carries on a clipped conversation with a store employee about the different brands available and what kind of formula a baby should have depending on age. VIOLENCE A woman, angry at Jack, storms out of the apartment and pushes the button for the elevator and walks back, intending to punch Jack, but he quickly closes the door. Peter comes out of the elevator and the woman punches him in the gut. In a following shot, Peter puts his hands around Jack's neck and he reacts, like he's being choked, though in a cartoonish manner. In suggesting to the baby that he sing a song for her, Michael says, "How about: Hush little baby, don't you cry. When Peter gets home, I'm gonna punch him in the eye." Michael slaps Peter near his right shoulder. Peter reads a Sports Illustrated article about a boxing match to Mary: "The champ caught Smith with a savage left hook that sent the challenger crashing into the ropes. Smith, his left eye swollen, and the cut above his right eye now much more bloody, countered with a barrage of vicious body blows. The champ began the 5th round like a man possessed, going straight for his opponent's body with ferocious energy." Peter throws a basketball at an assumed intruder in the dark, glass breaks, and Peter tackles the guy and they roll around on the floor. In a building under construction, Peter runs and along his path, he unlatches a hook from a steel container holding yellow tubes, and the tubes fall on Vince and his associate. Reviewed off DVD / Posted July 1, 2010