"VAMPIRES SUCK" (2010) (Jean Proske, Matt Lanter) (PG-13)
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QUICK TAKE:
Comedy: A teen must contend with choosing between two boys, one a vampire, the other a werewolf, along with other issues, all as the big prom approaches in this parody of the "Twilight" movies.
PLOT:
Becca Crane (JEAN PROSKE) is an angst-ridden teen who's moved to the small town of Sporks to live with her father, Frank (DIEDRICH BADER), the local sheriff. Unbeknownst to them or her new classmate, Jennifer (ANNELIESE VAN DER POL), Sporks is not only crawling with vampires -- both bad and good, the latter represented by the Sullen family -- but also werewolves.
As a result, Becca finds herself torn between Edward Sullen (MATT LANTER), a vampire, and Jacob White (CHRIS RIGGI), his arch-rival werewolf, both of whom are attracted to her. From that point on, she must not only contend with her school's upcoming prom, but the rivalry between the two groups, including that involving vampire leader Daro (KEN JEONG), as well as the romantic choice she must make between the two young men.
OUR TAKE: 0 out of 10
Our reviewing policy for films that aren't shown in advance to critics (or are done so late the night before they open) is that we'll only provide a paragraph or two about the film's artistic merits or, more accurately, lack thereof. After all, life is too short to spend any more effort than that on a movie that even the releasing studio knows isn't any good (which is why they hid it from reviewers before its release).
Writers/directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer -- who brought viewers the movie comedy abominations known as "Disaster Movie," "Meet the Spartans," "Epic Movie" and "Date Movie" -- return with their latest in a long and tortuous line of parody films, "Vampires Suck." Mercifully short at just 82 minutes, the experience feels much longer and grueling than that.
And that's because, just like the predecessors, the various comedy bits -- that mostly parody the "Twilight" films but also the likes of "The Real Housewives," the Kardashians and Lady Gaga among others currently in the pop culture crosshairs -- are lame, rarely elicit a chuckle and certainly never a guffaw or, God forbid, an actual belly laugh.
If there's one good point about the offering, it's that it will make one yearn for the classics of the genre, the "Airplane" and "Naked Gun" flicks, films that knew how to set up and execute a barrage of genuinely funny material. This one even starts to give up on the laughs in the third act, with the intervals between such attempts growing wider, resulting in an even more lame recreation of the already subpar "Twilight" movies. "Vampires Sucks" certainly fits its title, resulting in a rating of 0 out of 10.
![[Screen It]](/images/underground_header.jpg)