By now, most everyone is probably familiar with those "For Dummies" books. You know, "Crocheting for Dummies," "Brain Surgery for Dummies" and my personal favorite, "Global Thermonuclear War for Dummies." Of course, I'm not familiar with every title and thus can't be sure what's currently covered or what's in the pipeline. Accordingly, if it's not already out there, may I suggest "How to Make Suspense/Thriller Films for Dummies?"
Considering how many bad ones have been made or are still waiting to be released on the masses like some awful, never-ending plague, I'm guessing that either it doesn't yet exist or some flawed version is out there with all of the wrong information. How else can one explain the mess that is "Whiteout," a supposed thriller that, well, isn't terribly thrilling?
As directed by Dominic Sena ("Gone in Sixty Seconds," "Swordfish") from a script by -- go ahead, count 'em in disbelief that it took so many to concoct so little -- Jon Hoeber & Erich Hoeber and Chad Hayes & Carey W. Hayes, the pic includes all of the usual checklist items.
Opening action sequence that ends badly for those involved, but deposits a find for later on? Check. Hostile and isolated environs to keep everyone in place with no help from the outside? Check. Various characters who may or may not be the villains? Check. Hot babe who's gratuitously seen in her skivvies and then sorta/kinda in the shower? Roger. Said babe as the protagonist with a troubled past? Affirmative. Flashbacks to said event that led to the troubled past? Uh-huh. Obvious dialogue as well as a similarly insipid onscreen location title card followed by other location identifiers that don't mean squat? You betcha.
In fact, such material is so egregious that one might end up thinking the "How to Make Suspense/Thriller Films for Dummies" title isn't just about how to make such formulaic flicks, but also suggests what the filmmakers think about their target audience.
After all, do we really need onscreen text telling us that Antarctica is the coldest, most desolate place on Earth? Really? I thought it was somewhere in the tropics. Or how about one flashback after another (and then another, and yet another again) showing events in the past in case the conspicuous dialogue didn't manage to penetrate viewers' noggins?
Heck, there's even a flashback to the gun battle sequence inside a Russian flight in case we already forgot how the film opens, and yes, even a flashback to a previous flashback. Perhaps the filmmakers got confused by the chapter on non-linear storytelling. Whatever the case, the entire affair quickly becomes not only repetitive (how could it not) but also fairly tiresome.
The lovely Kate Beckinsale (in her second cold winter film in as many years -- after "Snow Angels") is never believable as a U.S. Marshal (do they really have those stationed in Antarctica?) -- not that the script does her any favors -- but for good or bad she's mostly seen in a big parka after her introductory exploitative undies scene.
The same holds true (not the underwear view, rather being unable to do much with their parts) for Gabriel Macht as the nebulous outsider, Tom Skerritt trying to look like Kris Kristofferson, or Columbus Short as the obligatory black dude sidekick character.
But the biggest problem is that there are few thrills or chills (of the emotional, not the weather variety) that are worth noting. After we're told and shown just how cold it is (duh!), various suspense and action scenes takes place outdoors. Yet, they're so stiffly conceived and executed that there's simply nothing to them as about the only feeling they'll elicit is boredom. Ditto for the mystery of what was in the long-downed plane that's worth dying for.
Perhaps if Sena hadn't shown us the opening sequence, then at least there would have been a little interest in what's out there under the ice. Oh, that's right, one or more of the obligatory flashbacks would have spoiled the surprise anyway, so the point is moot.
Which also holds true for the film and its concluding use of the titular weather phenomenon that's supposed to ratchet up the suspense, but fails just like everything else. If only the pic had been about the once commonly used typo correction fluid, then one could have applied that to the entire script and then started over from scratch, a move any smart dummy would have made. "Whiteout" rates as a 3 out of 10 simply for being so bad that it elicits a few unintentional laughs.
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