Dear Jack, as much as I wish I didn't have to say it, I guess you could call this your "Dear John" letter. When we first met, so many years ago, your onscreen eccentricities were funny and some may say charming. I remember you standing out in "Enemy of the State" and then really making a mark for yourself selling those records in "High Fidelity."
As in most such movie relationships, though, I figured you'd eventually grow up into another sort of performer, much like Jim Carrey, Adam Sandler or even Will Ferrell have done. Yes, I know you starred in the remake of "King Kong," but you followed that with "Nacho Libre?"
And while I've let you dally with your rock 'n' roll band, "Tenacious D," I never really got your style of music and performing. It's all rather repetitive, much like your comedy acting stylings. The wild eyes and raised eyebrow, the antic behavior that made you look like Jack Nicholson's cousin on speed, the goofy guitar-like sounds that came out of your mouth -- they all had their place and period, but it's time to move on.
And that's especially true after seeing your latest work, "Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny," a vanity piece if I ever saw one that also only seems to prove the notion that you'll never change. In fact, one could look at this fictitious and supposedly comedic look at how you started your little band with Kyle Gass as not much more than a collection of your great and not-so-great tricks of the trade.
I know, you and your adolescent-minded buddies will think it's the greatest thing ever put on film. Okay, I'll admit there are a few cute and/or amusing bits in the film, such as getting that kid who's a dead ringer for you as a boy (he's not yours, is he?), or you traveling to all of the wrong Hollywoods before getting the right one in California (you were never that good with directions).
But don't flatter yourself that you and Kyle are as endearing or amusing as Wayne and Garth from "Wayne's World," or that your band story is anywhere as brilliant as "This is Spinal Tap." Your car chase and crash sequence seems lifted from "The Blues Brothers" but without the chutzpah, and what's with all of the devil material and motifs (the big guy himself, the tarot cards, the pentagram made of ketchup, etc.)?
I get that you're doing a riff on the old Robert Johnson crossroads legend, but none of that material's creative enough to be funny (no, having the Devil sing profane lyrics certainly doesn't count -- what, do you think he normally sits around harmonizing children's songs?) and the big showdown at the end isn't anywhere as fun as when that wax-on, wax-off kid competed with Steve Vai back in '86. And speaking of golden oldies, while Beelzebub might approve of the "Clockwork Orange" homage, I don't think most of your young, testosterone-minded pals will have the slightest idea what you're referencing.
Similarly, if you're going to have some of the characters sing their dialogue like some sort of bastard Broadway musical, either go all of the way with that (I know, it would be too much work) or simply cut it out, especially if you're just going to use potty mouth language for most of your lyrics. And Jack baby, your tushie ain't what it used to be, so pairing up one cheek with Kyle's isn't worth the cheap laugh you try to get showing how the band's name came to be.
Your old buddies, such as Ben Stiller and Tim Robbins, aren't helping matters showing up here and only reinforcing your behavior. Instead, maybe we should gather everyone together and do some form of comedy intervention so that you don't ultimately bore your fan base doing the same sort of shtick over and over again.
Should you decide to change your behavior and come up with something new in your repertoire, let me know. Maybe I'll give you another chance. But you've had plenty of the "second" variety, and all you've done is disappoint me with your repetitive facial, attitudinal, and behavioral gags that were once fun, but have now become boring. Which can also be said about your film that I'd only rate as a 2 out of 10. Okay, gotta go, I'm off to see what Jim Carrey's up to of recent. Bye.
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