Although such expeditions usually turn out fine and are often some of the more memorable familial events for both kids and adults alike, for many a parent, the two words that evoke the most fear and trepidation are "road trip." You know, the automobile events with mom and dad in the front seat gritting their teeth and trying to retain their composure while their kids in the back seat(s) seem to trying -- in every conceivable way possible -- to drive them crazy.
Times, of course, have changed. Kids now have portable video games, DVD players, computers, CD players and more to keep them preoccupied during such high mileage treks. Yet, inevitably, there will come a point when boredom will set in and the child or multiple children will repeatedly ask another set of despised words, "Are we there yet?"
In last year's "Shrek 2," that point was hilariously spoofed as Eddie Murphy's Donkey character kept asking that very question -- while exhibiting other annoying and childish behavior -- on a journey with Shrek and Princess Fiona to the appropriately titled Far, Far Away Land.
For as terrific as that short scene was, the polar opposite arrives in the full-length form of "Are We There Yet?" a purported comedy that fails to elicit as many laughs in its 90-minute runtime as did that short bit in that far superior film. As helmed by Brian Levant ("Snow Dogs," the "Flintstones" movies) -- who works from a script penned by Steven Gary Banks & Claudia Grazioso (making their feature debut) and J. David Stem & David N. Weiss ("Shrek 2," "Clockstoppers") -- this effort might appease and/or entertain kids.
Yet, its utterly predictable yet clunky nature, lame humor and more means that adults will likely be asking "Is it done yet?" long before the end credits eventually mercifully roll. I'm all for movies aimed at kids, but with this and the recently released "Racing Stripes" (that looks golden compared to this mess), my doubts about anyone's ability to make quality live-action films for them are only reinforced.
The film gets off on the wrong foot -- actually it trips, stumbles and crashes hard to the cinematic floor -- right from the get-go. Not only are we treated to some lame and recycled leftovers from the "Home Alone" movies (where a man runs afoul of the bratty kids' various bobby traps designed to keep any suitors away from their single mother), but the filmmakers also unwisely decided to include an animated, dashboard-mounted, bobble-head figure of baseball player Satchel Paige. In this otherwise "realism" based piece, there's a moving figurine that talks to the protagonist and serves as something of his self-centered conscience.
At first, I thought perhaps that character embodied by Ice Cube (the "Barbershop" and "Friday" movies) had a few screws loose as no other character could hear the diminutive figure talking to him. Mental illness and kids' comedy usually isn't a standard mix, so that notion is left behind. Yet, the overall inclusion of the bobble-head is such a bizarre and unsuccessful element that one has to wonder why the filmmakers went to the time and expense of including such an animated figure.
Things don't get any better after that, as the story loosely follows the "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" sort of plot where characters run into various comedic complications while trying to use various modes of transportation to get from point A to point B. As the title would suggest, the comedy is supposed to stem from Ice Cube's child-hating, ladies man having to drive his new girlfriend's bratty kids several hundred miles from Portland to Vancouver in just one day.
While the premise is obviously ripe with all sorts of potential (in a battle of the wills sort of way), the filmmakers bungle almost all of it. While some kids will likely laugh at the slapstick moments (including a deer attack and the standard "man gets hit in the crotch" material), crude humor (projectile vomiting and accidental urination onto a shocked woman's face), and the overall kids annoying, irritating and generally besting an adult angle, there's nothing here you haven't seen before. To make matters worse, little of it's amusing, let alone funny (traits that make it a kissing cousin to last year's equally abominable road trip flick "Johnson Family Vacation"), and it's so predictable that any question of how things might play or turn out is moot.
There's never any doubt that Nick's new and decked-out SUV will be progressively damaged and eventually trashed by the end of the film (particularly after he lays down the ground rules for riding in it). The same holds true for him having trouble keeping control of the kids, or that all of them will eventually go from hating to caring about each other. Had the film showed some originality in handling such material or avoided becoming cloying while doing so, it may have marginally been acceptable. Unfortunately, that's not the case.
In fact, the only thing surprising about the film is that the title phrase isn't repeatedly asked. Enough other annoying behavior is present, however, to make up for that and then some. Most of that obviously stems from the characters played by Aleisha Allen ("The School of Rock," "The Best Man") and Philip Bolden ("Johnson Family Vacation," "Little Nicky") .
One really can't fault the young actors for their irritating performances -- after all, they've hopefully just been told to act that way -- but the fact that they're not likable does the film no favors. Macaulay Culkin's character in "Home Alone" may have been similarly bratty, but at least there was plenty of charm and good comedic timing on his part to make the character easier to tolerate. That's not the case here.
Appropriately looking perturbed from start to finish (he must have been channeling his disdain for how the movie turned out into his character), Ice Cube simply can't do much with his part. While there's all sorts of physical comedy and more, the script simply lets him down and doesn't allow him to deliver any fun, inspired or, sadly, funny comedy.
It's even worse for Nia Long ("Alfie," "Big Momma's House") as the kids' mother. Her motivation is all over the board, especially at the end when she suddenly turns into an unnecessarily anxious harpy. Jay Mohr ("The Adventures of Pluto Nash," "Pay it Forward") has little to do as Cube's best friend and business associate, M.C Gainey ("Sideways," "Club Dread") appears as a truck driver who thinks he's saving the kids but really ends up pretty much kidnapping them himself, while Nichelle Nichols (the original "Star Trek" TV show and movies) is reduced to a gassy and lascivious babysitter.
While your kids may repeatedly pester you about seeing this film, resist the urge to cave in and instead suggest a trip to see (or rent) something that kids and parents alike can enjoy, such as any of the smarter, more entertaining, and far superior offerings from the likes of Pixar. "Are We There Yet?" is as annoying and repetitive as its title might suggest and rates as just a 2 out of 10.
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