Anyone who knows anything about boating will tell you that you need some form of locomotion to cut through the water and get from point A to point B. Without a motor, sail or oar-like object, you'd be dead in the water in a lake, drift aimlessly across the ocean, or careen down a river through its rapids, unable to avoid the various obstacles, meaning a guaranteed capsizing and being swept away.
While the latter body of water is the only one in play in "Without a Paddle," all three analogies pertain to this forced, lame and not remotely funny comedy. None of which should come as a surprise once you know that director Steven Brill is the captain of this poorly constructed and doomed cinematic vessel. Brill applies the same sort of moronic, low-brow and pitiful comedy here as he did in the Adam Sandler films "Mr. Deeds" and "Little Nicky." Yet, despite paddling furiously, this ship is so full of holes that it goes nowhere fast and sinks long before the end credits roll.
In theory, the story -- penned by actors turned writers Jay Leggett & Mitch Rouse (making their collective feature debut) -- is supposed to be a comedic riff of sorts on "Deliverance." Like that 1972 film, this one features some city guys who have no right watering the lawn let alone traveling down a river. Not surprisingly, they run into all sorts of obstacles and difficulties, not to mention various backwoods characters, all while hunting for, of all things, D.B. Cooper's long lost stolen booty.
Along the way, the filmmakers not only rip off the classic John Boorman flick, but also a host of other pictures, although it would be stretch to defend that as any sort of homage. If that's not bad enough, the humor is dumb and uninspired at best, and Brill telegraphs the "big" jokes so far out that the pay-offs and comedic punch are dramatically lessened if present at all. In some comedies, such knowledge of the punch line can work to a film's advantage, as we anticipate the joke as well as the performer's reaction to it.
Unfortunately, the filmmakers let that prospect slip through their fingers and sink far out of their reach. It doesn't help that those playing the hapless adventurers don't anywhere near deliver comedy gold. The lame script certainly make their job any easier, but the performances by Seth Green ("The Italian Job," the "Austin Powers" films), Matthew Lillard ("Summer Catch," the "Scooby Doo" films) and relative newcomer Dax Shepard (TV's "Punk'd") are just as flat, forced and unfunny as the rest of the film.
Once the basic if lame premise is established, the expected twist and ensuing "comedy" regards two pot farmers -- played to annoyance by Ethan Suplee ("The Butterfly Effect," "Cold Mountain") and Abraham Benrubi ("Open Range," "George of the Jungle") -- hunting down the three guys for ruining their crop. Despite the two characters being an obvious riff on the somewhat similar one in "Deliverance," neither their material nor performances are funny, all of which is made worse by them sticking around for the rest of the film.
There's also a bit where the guys meet the standard array of sensuous babes who always appear in movies like this that are obviously aimed at a certain demographic. Alas, all that leads to is a disgusting bit of crude humor involving them, the pot farmers and bags of human excrement. The result even manages to give scatological humor a bad name and takes it to a new low.
The biggest disappointment, however, is in the use of Burt Reynolds ("Boogie Nights," "Smokey and the Bandit") in what amounts to an extended cameo. His mountain man character does nothing for the film, and his appearance and lame winking toward his character and experiences from "Deliverance" only further demonstrates the film's complete lack of smarts and creativity.
I kept expecting the guys to stumble across Reynolds and his former costars who survived the original ordeal (and would now be a bit wiser with experience) and are back out in the woods. Apparently, Voight and Beatty must have read the script and stayed well up wind of this stinker. I wished I had had that option. If you find yourself trapped somewhere watching this film and can't get away, you'll know the true meaning and horror of the title that aptly describes being up this particular cinematic creek. "Without a Paddle" rates as a 1 out of 10.
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