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"SIMON SEZ"
(1999) (Dennis Rodman, Dane Cook) (PG-13)

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QUICK TAKE:
Action/Adventure: An Interpol agent and his bumbling assistant try to save a kidnaped young woman while stopping a madman from acquiring a powerfully destructive weapon.
PLOT:
Simon (DENNIS RODMAN) is an agent for Interpol who, with the help of his high-tech, undercover monks, Brother Macro (RICKY HARRIS) and Brother Micro (JOHN PINETTE) a.k.a. "Free Willy," is second to none in doing his job. His latest case is trying to find Ashton (JEROME PRADON), a notorious arms dealer who's hoping to buy a powerfully destructive weapon from Colonel Telore (IGOR DE SAVITCH).

Yet he's sidetracked when a former supposed acquaintance from his CIA days, Nick (DANE COOK), tracks him down in France needing his help. An annoyingly bumbling man, Nick is working for a wealthy American executive who's sent him with a ransom of two million dollars to retrieve his kidnaped daughter, Claire (NATALIA CIGLIUTI).

The only problem is, Claire doesn't know she's been abducted since she hasn't, and the content of the executive's briefcase turns out to be a CD-ROM containing secret military code instead of the money. Of course, all of this peaks Simon's interest, especially when all old associate of his, known as The Dancer (EMMA SJOBERG) shows up with an inclination to inflict some martial arts damage on him.

Things then become more complicated when it turns out that Claire is dating Michael (FILIP NICOLIC), the charming and muscle-bound son of Bernard (HENRI COURSEAUX), who just so happens to work for Ashton. As Simon digs deeper through the facts, he must not only try to nab Ashton while dealing with his resident thug, XIN-XIN (XIN-XIN XIONG)and The Dancer, but must also make sure that no harm comes to Claire.

OUR TAKE: 0 out of 10
Of all the games that we played as kids, "Simon says" was probably the least amount of fun and almost certainly one of the lamest any kid could get stuck playing (as compared to say, "Red Light, Green Light" or "Flashlight Tag"). A do or don't activity where you only followed the stated commands when they were prefaced by the phrase "Simon says," the game essentially boiled down to sitting around and watching a bunch of people who didn't know what they were doing (and thus faild at the game).

The same holds true for this week's release of "Simon Sez." Although it's obviously not the big screen version of that childhood game (although that really couldn't be much worse than what's offered here), it does appear as if it were written by a bunch of kids whose better judgment was blurred by a colossal sugar buzz. As such, there's plenty of frenetic, but uninspired action, bad overacting, and enough illogic and overall inanity to make this one of the worst films of the year (especially considering that it was made by adults).

Of course having NBA star-turned actor Dennis Rodman's name above the title should be a dead giveaway that we're not talking Oscar worthy material. While the physically imposing athlete may be a formidable presence on the basketball court -- what with his plenitude of pierced body parts, tattoos and changing hair color -- whoever decided he should or could be a movie star needs to have their head reexamined.

Having previously appeared in 1997's "Double Team" where he made Jean-Claude Van Damme look like an award-winning actor -- no small feat in and upon itself -- Rodman is certainly a character on and off the basketball court. Nevertheless, that doesn't mean he should play one on the big screen. Doesn't anyone remember the efforts by other athletes-turned-performers such as Hulk Hogan or even O.J. Simpson (okay, the latter did some really good acting later in his career -- remember the glove reaction? -- but I digress).

That said, Rodman looks like Olivier when compared with his co-stars in this disastrous bomb. With enough bad and exaggerated overacting to fill several martial arts-based films, it's difficult to pick out who's most "noteworthy" in that department. Could it be Jerome Pradon (who's not even listed in the press kit despite the major part) as a caricature of the standard issue megalomaniacal villain, or the combination of John Pinette ("Dear God") and Ricky Harris (host of HBO's "Def Comedy Jam") as Simon's "odd couple" monk associates who break into dance when not cracking lame jokes?

Those are all good contenders, but my vote goes to Dane Cook ("Buddy") as Simon's bumbling and overeager assistant. Whether imitating Chewbacca from the "Star Wars" films, the T-Rex from "Jurassic Park" or rolling and slithering across the floor while mimicking movie cops who do the same thing while shooting villains from that position, Cook's character could very well be the most irritating and obnoxiously annoying persona ever to disgrace the silver screen.

While his antics are presumably supposed to be funny (as is much of the rest of the film), Cook may have put a pox on his fledgling acting career for which there's no remedy. Although first-time director Kevin Elders (writer of the "Iron Eagle" films) and scribes Andrew Miller and Andrew Lowery (two former actors turned first-time screenwriters) seem to think they're delivering some fine screwball-type comedy with that character's antics, audiences are apt to cringe whenever they do so.

The filmmakers likewise miss with the film's action scenes. Although there's plenty of mayhem to go around, little if any of it's stimulating and certainly isn't very entertaining. From the obligatory, action- oriented opening sequence (that's far from thrilling) and the Jackie Chan style fight sequences to the obvious wire-acrobatics (popularized in "The Matrix" where the characters did things in the air that defied the laws of physics), the film simply never generates any sparks.

As such, the moments here are never as fun or highly choreographed as in Chan's films, and all of the flipping and flying through the air never comes close to equaling the visually bold and exhilarating scenes of that Keanu Reeves picture.

What with the bad acting and inane dialogue, not to mention the cheesy-looking sets, the bad special effects, and many of the thugs dressed like rejects from "A Clockwork Orange," the film is, simply put, a horrendous mess. Neither thrilling nor funny (unless one can get a laugh about how bad it is), this is the type of movie that usually debuts on video or cable with little or no fanfare.

Certain to be the second flop in a row for new distributor, Independent Artists -- their first being the recently released (and barely seen) colossal failure, "Love Stinks" -- this film will clearly make a quick beeline for ancillary markets where it may fare a tad better.

While someone, somewhere told the cast and crew of this feature, "Go make this movie," the performers and filmmakers clearly forget that they were supposed to wait until they heard that important "Simon" line. If we were playing that game now, my next line would be, "Simon says run from the theater as fast as you can!" Not surprisingly, "Simon Sez" gets what it deserves -- a big fat 0 out of 10.




Reviewed September 24, 1999 / Posted September 25, 1999


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