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"VAMPIRES SUCK" (2010) (Jean Proske, Matt Lanter) (PG-13) Alcohol/ Drugs Blood/Gore Disrespectful/ Bad Attitude Frightening/ Tense Scenes Guns/ Weapons Heavy Extreme Heavy Minor Heavy Imitative Behavior Jump Scenes Music (Scary/Tense) Music (Inappropriate) Profanity Extreme None Heavy None Heavy Sex/ Nudity Smoking Tense Family Scenes Topics To Talk About Violence Heavy None Minor Heavy Extreme QUICK TAKE: Comedy: A teen must contend with choosing between two boys, one a vampire, the other a werewolf, along with other issues, all as the big prom approaches in this parody of the "Twilight" movies. PLOT: Becca Crane (JEAN PROSKE) is an angst-ridden teen who's moved to the small town of Sporks to live with her father, Frank (DIEDRICH BADER), the local sheriff. Unbeknownst to them or her new classmate, Jennifer (ANNELIESE VAN DER POL), Sporks is not only crawling with vampires -- both bad and good, the latter represented by the Sullen family -- but also werewolves. As a result, Becca finds herself torn between Edward Sullen (MATT LANTER), a vampire, and Jacob White (CHRIS RIGGI), his arch-rival werewolf, both of whom are attracted to her. From that point on, she must not only contend with her school's upcoming prom, but the rivalry between the two groups, including that involving vampire leader Daro (KEN JEONG), as well as the romantic choice she must make between the two young men. WILL KIDS WANT TO SEE IT? I suppose some fans of the "Twilight" movies might have some degree of passing interest, as might those who are fans of parodies of popular movies. WHY THE MPAA RATED IT: PG-13 For crude sexual content, comic violence, language and teen partying. CAST AS ROLE MODELS: JEAN PROSKE plays an angst-ridden teen who arrives in Sporks to live with her dad, unaware that the town is rife with both vampires and werewolves. She's attracted to both Edward and Jacob, but favors the former with whom she wants to have sex, and is aggressive about that. She also uses profanity. MATT LANTER plays the vampire for whom she falls, but who's inexperienced in the matters of both love and sex. He must protect her from other vampires. CHRIS RIGGI plays his arch-rival, a werewolf who's known Becca since they were kids and doesn't like her attraction to Edward over him. He also tries to protect her and is often seen shirtless. DIEDRICH BADER plays Becca's father, the somewhat out-of-touch and goofy sheriff of Sporks who beats up his friend for fun when not trying to protect Becca and solve a murder in the town. KEN JEONG plays the leader of a vampire clan who attacks others, chugs booze, and wants to put Edward in his place. ANNELIESE VAN DER POL plays Becca's classmate who's unaware of what's going on around her and alternates between befriending and belittling Becca. She uses some profanity. CAST, CREW, & TECHNICAL INFO HOW OTHERS RATED THIS MOVIE Curious if this title is entertaining, any good, and/or has any artistic merit? Then read OUR TAKE of this film. (Note: The "Our Take" review of this title examines the film's artistic merits and does not take into account any of the possibly objectionable material listed below). OUR WORD TO PARENTS: The following is a brief summary of the content found in this PG-13 rated comedy that's a parody of the "Twilight" movies. Profanity consists of at least 1 "f" word, while other expletives and colorful phrases are also uttered. Sexually related dialogue and humor (including that regarding a blow-up sex doll) are present, as is nudity (a man's bare butt), barely blocked male full frontal nudity, a teen in skimpy & suggestive attire, that teen wanting to have sex with her boyfriend and being quite aggressive about it, and various views of shirtless buff young men. Violence consists of vampires and werewolves attacking and fighting each other and humans (with exaggerated blood & gore), various bits of comedy-based fighting, and slapstick style material (some of which has exaggerated, bloody results). It's possible those very sensitive to vampire and related matters (sharp teeth, glowing eyes, neck biting, etc.) might find some of the material unsettling, but it's all played for intended goofy comedy. Bad attitudes are present, as is imitative behavior, while drinking also occurs and some drug-related humor is present. If you're still concerned about the film and its appropriateness for yourself or anyone else in your home who may be interested in seeing it, we suggest that you take a closer look at our detailed listings for more specific information regarding the film's content. For those prone to visually induced motion sickness, some of that might occur from spin around camera shots. ALCOHOL OR DRUG USE Most of the following is played for intended comedy: A vampire drinks blood from a large bottle like its malt liquor. When Jacob states he lives on the Indian reservation, Becca says it must be nice to drink and gamble all day. Edward mentions things that have been hot through the decades, including coke in the '80s. Jennifer mentions various things that will happen at prom, including binge drinking. Becca has a bloody nose and comments that she shouldn't have partied last night with a certain guy (a cocaine reference). Frank holds a can of beer, while Jacob's father has a number of them on his lap. A cover of a book shows the image of a teen drinking from a large bottle of booze while holding a gun. A guy throws a beer can to Becca's head. Edward drinks booze and then belches. We see that Frank has left a note for Becca stating various things, including that there's weed (pot) in a drawer. Jennifer holds a bottle of champagne while standing in a limo through the sunroof. She then says, "Have a drink, bitch" and throws the bottle that hits Becca on the head. High school students help and cheer on Daro drinking beer from a funnel and tube at the prom. BLOOD/GORE Most of the following is played for intended comedy: A vampire drinks blood from a large bottle like its malt liquor. We see a miscellaneous vampire bite into a miscellaneous young woman's neck, with blood coming out. We see the skeleton of a hamster in a hamster exercise wheel. Frank and Jacob's father are bloodied after fighting. A student informs Becca of things he has for sale, including human organs, while we also see what appear to be boxes of condoms. Edward is described as having a constipated look. A vampire cracks his badly broken nose back into place. Edward grabs another student and uses him to stop a large truck from sliding into Becca. The truck is dented and the guy's neck is badly broken (we see bones under the skin) as is his arm (we see the two broken bones sticking out, along with bloody skin, etc.). Frank wants to help Becca prepare herself for being attacked, so he first has her spray Mace into his eyes (which leaves them all red and puffy). He then tells her to kick him where a guy "breeds" (so she kicks him in the crotch), and then has him rip his mustache off his upper lip (leaving torn-open and bloody skin there). We see a lot of drool from Becca's mouth as she sleeps. While sleepwalking, Becca overturns a shelving unit and tries to hit Edward several times. She then gets back in bed and her fart causes him to fall backwards through her closed window, breaking the glass, etc. Edward's mom shows some literal finger food (severed fingers arranged like appetizers). Edward's sister, Iris, who has visions of the future, hands Becca a box of tampons. Becca says she isn't having her period, but Iris says she will and that it will be early this month. Becca gets a paper cut that turns into a squirting geyser of blood. After Edward pushes her back against a wall to protect her from his ravenous brother, she's bleeding the same way from her arm, with her blood filling a stacked tower of glasses, with another brother and their father drinking from two of those. She then has a bloody nose. Three vampires attack Becca, with Edward throwing them off. He then points out one's entire set of teeth is still in Becca's arm. That vampire then retrieves them, leaving bloody teeth marks in her arm. The vampire then flies through the air at Edward who uses a baseball bat to hit the vampire, knocking his head off into the distance (it crashes through the back window of Frank's car far away). Edward bites into Becca's arm (and then uses a straw to continue) to get vampire poison out of her system, eventually sucking her dry (her arms "deflate" but she's then seen full-bodied again). Jennifer tells Becca that Edward left her (Becca) behind in the woods like "bear sh*t." Becca drinks milk, despite knowing she's lactose intolerant, and we hear intestinal rumbling sounds. Becca falls off a motorcycle and rolls down an embankment, slightly bloodying her head. Various shirtless guys tear a vampire apart, dismembering and throwing his limbs and head aside, etc. (with bloody results). Forced by Daro, Edward bites Becca's neck, leaving slightly bloody bite marks. DISRESPECTFUL/BAD ATTITUDE Most of the following is played for intended comedy: Frank can't believe how much his daughter has grown up, and mentions to Becca the size "of those t*ts" (clothed, while both are in a car). All of the bad vampires have bad attitudes for feeing on and/or killing others. When Jacob states he lives on the Indian reservation, Becca says it must be nice to drink and gamble all day. Various high school students make fun of Becca, with one saying she used to be like her when she was a virgin, and another asks if she got her haircut at "fantastic lesbians" (or something like that). Various high school students throw things at Becca, one puts a "kick me" sign on her back (and cheerleaders kick her), and then a male student punches her to the floor before offering to sell things to her. A guy states that Becca seems really boring and frigid, while Jennifer warns Becca that if she touches his "wang," she'll cut Becca (and flips open her switchblade). Becca tells Jacob that he's like her little gay brother. Frank tells Becca that she isn't a "looker." A guy throws a beer can to Becca's head. Various buff shirtless guys in small/tight cut-off jeans arrive and suddenly break into dance to "It's Raining Men" and some may take offense with the apparent homophobic humor of the scene (based on others' reaction to the sight, as well as one telling the rest, "Get 'em girls" as they rush a bad vampire). Jennifer holds a bottle of champagne while standing in a limo through the sunroof. She then says, "Have a drink, bitch" and throws the bottle that hits Becca on the head. Jacob lands hard on the hood of Jennifer and Becca's car, shirtless again, but he then hops off to chase a cat (we hear the cat react, but don't see the attack). Some might not like such humor. Some viewers not like a comment comparing a group to Fox News, saying both have a narrow vision of the world and only care about themselves. A guy stuffs the student ballot for prom king and queen to stack the odds in his and Jennifer's favor. FRIGHTENING SCENES While all played for goofy comedy, it's possible some of the vampire and related material (glowing eyes, sharp teeth, attacking people, etc.) might be unsettling to anyone who's extremely sensitive to such matters. A menacing vampire keeps coming after Becca. GUNS/WEAPONS A guy states that Becca seems really boring and frigid, while Jennifer warns Becca that if she touches his "wang," she'll cut Becca (and flips open her switchblade). Frank carries a rifle or shotgun as he prepares to drive off to a murder scene. Edward states he's a killer and fires a handgun off to his side, hitting Alice (from "Alice in Wonderland") who falls down the rabbit hole. A cover of a book shows the image of a teen drinking from a large bottle of booze while holding a gun. Becca repeatedly stabs into Jennifer with a knife, but we then see that was only imagined. A woman bashes a spiked club into Edward's head. IMITATIVE BEHAVIOR Most of the following is played for intended comedy: Phrases: "F*ck me" (nonsexual), "Holy sh*t," "Piece of sh*t truck," "Ah sh*t," "I was gonna hump the sh*t out of him," "Sh*tty," "Bat-sh*t" (written), "Dumb sh*t," "Left you behind in the woods like bear sh*t," "You look like sh*t," "Started doing some pro golfer," "You seem really boring and frigid," "You have to hit a man where he breeds," "Once you go bat, you never go back" (written), "Balls" (testicles), "I'm 18 now...I'm practically a cougar," "That's the best piece of ass you'll ever get," "Damn fleas," "Douche bags from the Jersey shore," "Duh, Hardwicke 101," "You're like my little gay brother," "Oh snap," "You're totally happening," "Blow," "You bitch," "I was like, 'Ooooh, look at 'dat,'" "Freaky," "Loser," "Have a drink, bitch," "What the hell?" "You ass-wipe" and "Team Jacob, bitch!" The action and other stunts might be enticing for some kids to try to imitate. We see Edward shirtless, and then he strips completely nude in public, revealing a large and reflective disco ball across his crotch area. Jacob scratches behind his ear with his foot. Various high school students make fun of Becca, with one saying she used to be like her when she was a virgin, and another asks if she got her haircut at "fantastic lesbians" (or something like that). Various high school students throw things at Becca, one puts a "kick me" sign on her back (and cheerleaders kick her), and then a male student punches her to the floor before offering to sell things to her. Edward juggles an apple, bowling ball and human baby, depositing all of them in a bag (the bowling ball last, and we hear but don't see the baby react). Becca trips on a log in the woods and then throws a temper tantrum on the ground. Becca uses a bullhorn to amplify her night screaming in bed. Becca revs the engine of Jacob's motorcycle whenever he tries to talk. Wanting to jeopardize her life in order to make Edward come back to her, Becca cuts the brake line and then takes off, speeding down the road. We later see a view of her riding that while blindfolded, playing the guitar, drinking milk, etc. Various shirtless guys sport tattoos on their shoulders. Edward drinks booze and then belches. High school students help and cheer on Daro drinking beer from a funnel and tube at the prom. A guy stuffs the student ballot for prom king and queen to stack the odds in his and Jennifer's favor. Jacob's father gives "the finger" to Becca. JUMP SCENES None. MUSIC (SCARY/TENSE) A heavy amount of suspenseful and ominous music (all lightly played) occurs in various scenes. MUSIC (INAPPROPRIATE) Some songs had lyrics that we couldn't fully hear and/or understand, thus presenting the possibility of them potentially containing something objectionable. PROFANITY At least 1 "f" word, 14 "s" words, 1 slang term for sex ("doing"), 1 for male genitals ("wang"), 1 for breasts ("t*ts"), 4 damns, 3 asses, 1 crap (as "crappy"), 1 hell, 3 uses of "Oh my God," 2 of "Oh God" and 1 use each of "God," "G-damn" and "Jesus Christ." SEX/NUDITY Most of the following is played for intended comedy: We see Edward shirtless, and then he strips completely nude in public, revealing a large and reflective disco ball across his crotch area. We see part of a child's bare butt (a drawing) in a Coppertone suntan lotion type ad. Becca mentions in voice-over narration that her mom left the family to start "doing" a pro golfer (we then see a picture of Tiger Woods in a magazine). Frank can't believe how much his daughter has grown up, and mentions to Becca the size "of those t*ts" (clothed, while both are in a car). Among Becca's old dolls, she spots a blow-up sex doll (open mouth, bra, etc.) and Frank states that it's been lonely since her mom (his wife) left. Jacob's father, who's in a wheelchair, states he can't feel anything below his waist and then sarcastically answers his own question about what's below his waist: "My penis!" Jacob reminds Becca that they played doctor when they were little, with Becca asking didn't she give him a prostate exam. Various high school students make fun of Becca, with one saying she used to be like her when she was a virgin, and another asks if she got her haircut at "fantastic lesbians" (or something like that). A student informs Becca of things he has for sale, including human organs, while we also see what appear to be boxes of condoms. A guy states that Becca seems really boring and frigid, while Jennifer warns Becca that if she touches his "wang," she'll cut Becca (and flips open her switchblade). We see two sets of Edward's adopted siblings making out, clothed and standing (with at least one young woman's leg up alongside the guy's side). We briefly see young adults in swim attire (shirtless guys, girls in bikinis). About a soldier who's away, Jennifer has written to him saying (and we hear her voice) that he did things to her that no one did before, and that she still can't ride a bicycle. A vampire shows cleavage in a midriff-revealing top, while a male vampire is shirtless and another has his shirt open in the front. The female one states they're asked things all of the time, such as whether she's a natural red-head (she states she is). A fisherman removes his shirt to beat up a shirtless male vampire. We see a flashback (to previously unseen footage) of Edward adjusting his penis in his pants (we see the bulge). Jacob gives Becca some balloons with messages on them, including "Please be the mother of my children." Frank wants to help Becca prepare herself for being attacked, so he tells her to kick him where a guy "breeds," so she kicks him in the crotch. We see the following on Edward's business card: "Once you go bat, you never go back." Jennifer mentions she's always dreamed of being named prom queen ever since she was a sperm in her dad's "balls." Becca mentions the things she's noticed about Edward that tells her what he is, including that he abstains from sex (meaning he's one of the Jonas brothers). About the next time she saw Edward, Becca states she was going to "hump the sh*t out of him." In her bedroom and on her bed, Edward tells Becca there's something he wants to try. She says her too, and then turns back to him wearing a large rubber mask. After that comes off, they kiss, with him being exited that it's the first time he's been to first base. She then eagerly says they should go all of the way and climbs onto him (both clothed), but he shows his purity ring. She sucks that off his finger, manipulates that in her mouth, and then shows she's turned into a tongue piercing stud. She keeps kissing him, and he hits her on the head with a lamp to get her off him. She then comments on liking it rough and then shows up in leather (or similar) panties and a bra, both of which are lit (lights around the nipples, while flashing arrows point down her panties to her crotch), while she's also wearing garters. He then tosses her up through the ceiling to end that. Becca mentions she wanted to have sex with Edward, but was conflicted about losing her virginity to a vampire, although she acknowledges that's many a prepubescent girl's fantasy (we also see related writing on an Internet posting). Edward's mom shows cleavage. Becca states she's 18 now and "practically a cougar." A male vampire's shirt is open in the front. Frank takes an angst level reading of Becca, with one of the settings (not the one she's at) reading "16 and pregnant" (after the TV show of the same name). Frank tells Becca that Edward knows how to fill out his pants, that she isn't a "looker," and that Edward is the "best piece of ass" she'll ever get. He then says goodnight to Becca while holding his blow-up sex doll that he calls her new mommy. A biker suggestively tells Becca that she can sit on his bike. Jacob removes his shirt to reveal a very hairy chest, and Becca asks, "Are those teats?" and he confirms they are, up and down both sides of his chest. Various buff shirtless guys in small/tight cut-off jeans arrive and suddenly break into dance to "It's Raining Men." Becca asks why Jacob is always shirtless (he's that way again, now clean-shaven) and he says it's in his contract. Becca says that unlike Jacob, her thoughts about Edward are passion, lust and forbidden fruit stuff, adding that with him it's all about her (but Jacob interrupts her before she completes the word "vagina"). A guy mentions what sounded like something about sex tonight at the prom. Jacob lands hard on the hood of Jennifer and Becca's car, shirtless again, but he then hops off to chase a cat (we hear the cat react, but don't see the attack). We see the earlier scene of Edward nude, with a foreground object blocking a view of his full frontal nudity. However, we do see a close-up view of his bare butt (wrinkled, as that's the joke of that being the only part of vampires that age), including when he bends over. He's still in nude mode when he hugs Becca. When confronted by Daro, Becca says that she and Edward haven't had sex yet. Forced by Daro, Edward bites Becca's neck, with her bordering on an orgasmic response from that contact. SMOKING None. TENSE FAMILY SCENES Becca mentions in voice-over narration that her mom left the family to start "doing" a pro golfer (we then see a picture of Tiger Woods in a magazine). Among Becca's old dolls, she spots a blow-up sex doll (open mouth, bra, etc.) and Frank states that it's been lonely since her mom (his wife) left. TOPICS TO TALK ABOUT Spoof & parody films and what it takes to make them successful. The legends of vampires & werewolves. Losing one's virginity. Angst-ridden teens. Young love. VIOLENCE Most of the following is played for intended comedy: A girl whacks another with a shovel, followed by others whacking each other with boards, rakes and an ax or mallet. We see a miscellaneous vampire bite into a miscellaneous young woman's neck, with blood coming out. Played as goofy slapstick, Frank punches Jacob's wheelchair-bound father in the face, with him hitting Frank back. Frank then tackles him out of the chair and they fight on the road, with one bashing the other's head to the road, leaving both of them bloodied but still friendly after the altercation. Becca accidentally opens her truck door into Jacob. Various high school students throw things at Becca, one puts a "kick me" sign on her back (and cheerleaders kick her), and then a male student punches her to the floor before offering to sell things to her. We see a Facebook photo of Edward biting a woman's neck. Edward juggles an apple, bowling ball and human baby, depositing all of them in a bag (the bowling ball last, and we hear but don't see the baby react). A fisherman repeatedly punches a male vampire and then twists his nipples before two other vampires grab him and the first then attacks him (the killing is not seen, but we later hear there was a lot of blood). Edward grabs another student and uses him to stop a large truck from sliding into Becca. The truck is dented and the guy's neck is badly broken (we see bones under the skin) as is his arm (we see the two broken bones sticking out, along with bloody skin, etc.). We then see a flashback to him doing that again (minus the injuries). Frank wants to help Becca prepare herself for being attacked, so he first has her spray Mace into his eyes (which leaves them all red and puffy). He then tells her to kick him where a guy "breeds" (so she kicks him in the crotch), and then has him rip his mustache off his upper lip (leaving torn-open and bloody skin there). While sleepwalking, Becca overturns a shelving unit and tries to hit Edward several times. She then gets back in bed and her fart causes him to fall backwards through her closed window, breaking the glass, etc. Edward knocks a box of cereal from Becca's hand. Edward states he's a killer and fires a handgun off to his side, hitting Alice (from "Alice in Wonderland") who falls down the rabbit hole. Moments later, he throws Becca's phone that hits Alice, sending her down the hole again. He then catches and bites into a squirrel, but that comes back to life moments later as a vampire squirrel and attacks him. To get her off him as she aggressively makes out with him, Edward hits Becca on the head with a lamp. After a moment, he tosses her up through the ceiling and roof, and she then comes crashing back down into the room. Moments later, a satellite dish and other material comes crashing down onto her. Becca gets a paper cut that turns into a squirting geyser of blood. After his ravenous brother comes at her, Edward pushes her back against a wall to protect her, while throwing his brother into a piano. Becca is then bleeding the same way from her arm, with her blood filling a stacked tower of glasses, with another brother and their father drinking from two of those. They then come at Becca, but Edward throws both of them into tanning beds, closes the lids, and turns them on. He then grabs a delivery guy and throws him into the room with the female vampires attacking him on the floor. Becca trips on a log in the woods and then throws a temper tantrum on the ground. Becca shoots mace into Buffy the Vampire Slayer's face. Three vampires attack Becca, with Edward throwing them off. He then points out one's entire set of teeth is still in Becca's arm. That vampire then retrieves them, leaving bloody teeth marks in her arm. The vampire then flies through the air at Edward who uses a baseball bat to hit the vampire, knocking his head off into the distance (it crashes through the back window of Frank's car far away). Becca repeatedly stabs into Jennifer with a knife, but we then see that was only imagined. A guy throws a beer can to Becca's head. Becca falls off a motorcycle and rolls down an embankment, slightly bloodying her head. Various shirtless guys tear a vampire apart, dismembering and throwing his limbs and head aside, etc. (with bloody results). Jennifer holds a bottle of champagne while standing in a limo through the sunroof. She then says, "Have a drink, bitch" and throws the bottle that hits Becca on the head. Jacob lands hard on the hood of Jennifer and Becca's car, shirtless again, but he then hops off to chase a cat (we hear the cat react, but don't see the attack). Daro bites into a person's neck. A vampire flies through the air and crashes his head through a billboard, while Becca (who propelled herself into the air) lands on Jennifer and her date. Daro lifts Edward by the neck and throws him to a table. The two then fight, comically, by hitting and throwing each other about until Edward knocks him out. Jacob's father moves his wheelchair so that his stationary foot hits Becca. Jennifer head-butts her date for his ballot stuffing resulting in them being disqualified for prom king and queen. Forced by Daro, Edward bites Becca's neck, leaving slightly bloody bite marks. A woman bashes a spiked club into Edward's head. Reviewed August 18, 2010 / Posted August 18, 2010

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