"CIRQUE DU FREAK: THE VAMPIRE'S ASSISTANT" (2009) (Chris Massoglia, John C. Reilly) (PG-13) Alcohol/ Drugs Blood/Gore Disrespectful/ Bad Attitude Frightening/ Tense Scenes Guns/ Weapons Mild Heavy Extreme Moderate Heavy Imitative Behavior Jump Scenes Music (Scary/Tense) Music (Inappropriate) Profanity Heavy Mild Extreme Minor Moderate Sex/ Nudity Smoking Tense Family Scenes Topics To Talk About Violence Moderate None Moderate Moderate Extreme QUICK TAKE: Horror/Comedy: To save his friend, a teen agrees to become a half-vampire and live among circus freaks with his vampire mentor, unaware that doing so will eventually put the boys at odds and restart a feud between two factions of vampires. PLOT: Darren Shan (CHRIS MASSOGLIA) is a normal teen who lives with his parents (DON McMANUS and COLLEEN CAMP) and younger sister, Annie (MORGAN SAYLOR), gets good grades and seemingly has a bright future ahead of him. That's unlike his best friend, Steve (JOSH HUTCHERSON), whose long-absent father and alcoholic mother have left him hating his life and occasionally convincing Darren to break the rules. When the latter results in a skipped class and some broken lights at school, Darren is grounded and told he can no longer be friends with Steve. Yet, the latter convinces Darren that they should sneak off at night to attend the Cirque du Freak show downtown. After meeting the show's manager, Mr. Tall (KEN WATANABE), the boys see a variety of acts, such as Evra the Snake Boy (PATRICK FUGIT); Rhamus Twobellies (FRANKIE FAISON) who can eat most anything; Corma Limbs (JANE KRAKOWSKI) who can regenerate severed appendages; Alexander Ribs (ORLANDO JONES) whose waist is no bigger than his exposed spine; and bearded lady Madame Truska (SALMA HAYEK). The latter has visions of the future and sees something troubling with Darren, but she can't convince her lover, magician and poisonous spider wrangler Larten Crepsley (JOHN C. REILLY) from going out on stage. Being a fan of vampires, Steve thinks he recognizes him as one, and later tries to convince him and his friend, Gavner Purl (WILLEM DAFOE), to turn him into one. They refuse and send him on his way, but after previously getting a better look at Crepsley's spider, Darren ends up accidentally stealing the arachnid, and it ends up at school where it gets loose and bites Steve. Realizing that the otherworldly Mr. Tiny (MICHAEL CERVERIS) and his vampanese thug, Murlaugh (RAY STEVENSON), expressed an interest in Darren's soul, Crepsley knows he must do something to keep their hands off him. Accordingly, he offers to save Steve's life in exchange for turning Darren into his half-vampire assistant who can still go out into the sunlight, but will, like other vampires, only feed off humans but not kill them, unlike the deadly vampanese. Having faked his death so that he can stay at the Cirque camp, train with Crepsley and end up falling for teen Rebecca (JESSICA CARLSON), Darren must then contend with Steve falling in with Mr. Tiny and Murlaugh, all as the long truce between the vampires and vampanese appears coming to an end. WILL KIDS WANT TO SEE IT? They might if they're fans of the book series on which this is based, vampire stories in general, and/or anyone who's in the cast. WHY THE MPAA RATED IT: PG-13 For sequences of intense supernatural violence and action, disturbing images, thematic elements and some language. CAST AS ROLE MODELS: CHRIS MASSOGLIA plays an average teen who agrees to become Crepsley's half-vampire assistant in exchange for protection from Mr. Tiny as well as an antidote to save Steve's life. He must contend with a falling out with his best friend who believes he stole his dream of becoming a vampire (when that wasn't his intention at all) as well as all that comes along with his new lifestyle, including not being able to be with his family and his new need to drink human blood. JOHN C. REILLY plays a centuries old vampire who wants to be a performer in the cirque rather than a general as he was in the past during the vampire vs. vampanese wars. He reluctantly takes Darren under his wing as his protege, but must contend with Mr. Tiny trying to restart the war. He uses some profanity and drinks some. JOSH HUTCHERSON plays Darren's best friend, a teen who's unhappy with his life and wants to become a vampire once he realizes that's what Crepsley is. When he think Darrin has betrayed him and stolen his dream, he sides with Mr. Tiny and Murlaugh and does their dirty work while also battling Darren. He uses profanity. MICHAEL CERVERIS plays some sort of otherworldly figure who wants Darren and Steve under his control to help resurrect the vampire vs. vampanese wars. RAY STEVENSON plays his right-hand lieutenant, a lethal vampanese figure who does his bidding and battles Crepsley. PATRICK FUGIT plays one of the freaks in the show, a snake-boy who ends up as Darren's tent-mate. KEN WATANABE plays the manager of the cirque who doesn't want that or any of his people dragged back into the vampire vs. vampanese wars. He drink some and tries to remain diplomatic. SALMA HAYEK plays the bearded lady and lover of Crepsley who's worried about troubling premonitions she's been having. She drink some. WILLEM DAFOE plays Crepsley's fellow vampire who alerts his friend to the vampanese movements and wants him to join him in a war against them. He drinks some. JESSICA CARLSON plays one of the freaks who hides her uniqueness from Darren due to being embarrassed by that. JANE KRAKOWSKI plays another freak with the ability to regenerate appendages and thus has no problem losing limbs or digits. She briefly makes out with a fellow freak. FRANKIE FAISON plays another cirque performer who can swallow most anything to grotesque, distended stomach results. CAST, CREW, & TECHNICAL INFO HOW OTHERS RATED THIS MOVIE Curious if this title is entertaining, any good, and/or has any artistic merit? Then read OUR TAKE of this film. (Note: The "Our Take" review of this title examines the film's artistic merits and does not take into account any of the possibly objectionable material listed below). OUR WORD TO PARENTS: The following is a brief summary of the content found in this horror/comedy film that's been rated PG-13. Profanity consists of at least 5 "s" words, while other expletives and colorful phrases are also uttered. Varying amounts of cleavage are present, there's a possible reference to porn, and there's brief kissing. Violence consists of various characters fighting with, attacking (and in one case, partially dismembering a woman, although that's part of a circus act) and sometimes killing others, while property damage also occurs. When not lethal, some of that fighting is fairly brutal, and some of that has bloody and/or gross results. Those scenes, the vampire and other related content, and some moments of potential peril might be unsettling and/or suspenseful to some viewers (but since there's a comedy element to much of the film, the severity of all of that is lessened). Bad attitudes are present, as is behavior that might be enticing for some kids to imitate. Some drinking occurs, while tense family material is present, but never played out in a fully realistic fashion. Should you still be concerned about the film's appropriateness for yourself or anyone else in your home, you may want to look more closely at our detailed listings for more specific information regarding the film's content. For those concerned with bright flashes of light on the screen, there's some of that from passing lights outside a limo going down the road (seen from the inside). For those prone to visually induced motion sickness, varying degrees and styles of camera movement occur in the film. ALCOHOL OR DRUG USE Gavner and Crepsley have drinks, with Gavner gulping his down later while saying "one for the road." Steve states he hasn't seen his dad in years and that his mom is always drunk, all of which means Steve hates his life. Mr. Tall has a drink. Mr. Tall pours a drink for Mr. Tiny and himself, but neither consumes any (and Mr. Tiny doesn't even take his). Crepsley and Madame Truska have drinks. BLOOD/GORE A werewolf bites off Corma's arm during the show (we see the severed limb), and the audience panics but then sees the arm grow back from the bloody and grisly stump. Alexander Ribs reveal his midsection that's only as wide as his exposed spine and exposed intestines that are wrapped around that. After a woman in a show bites various things in half, Rhamus swallows all of that and more, including a lit torch, only to regurgitate a fully assembled mini-bike (and some related slime, etc. on that). Steve has a memory of an illustration of Crepsley he saw in a book where the vampire is holding a severed head. Steve has a little bit of blood on his hand, with Crepsley quickly tasting that, but then immediately spitting, with Gavner doing some repeated mock spitting in response. Crepsley pricks Darren's finger to taste his blood (we don't see any) and once he's satisfied, he does a blood exchange with Darren where cuts on their fingers transfer that blood so that Darren will become a half-vampire. While we don't see the cuts or blood then, we do see the resultant cuts (and slight blood) on Darren's fingers as they quickly heal. Steve has a bad-looking and large boil on his face from where Crepsley's spider bit him. We also see blue veins in his arms, with Crepsley then pushing his fingernail down into one (no blood) in order to give him an antidote. Evra has snake-like skin, and some of that sloughs off into Darren's hand. About another freak, Madame Truska says to not mind him as he just needs some Ex-Lax. As part of his job, Darren collects dead rats and such and we then see them in a trough of sorts where small creatures feed on them (with a little bit of bloody results). One such creature doesn't want to, and pulls its meaty and gray heart from its own chest to show Darren before putting it back in. Corma breaks off one of her fingers (that will grow back), places it into her and Alexander Ribs' mouths, and the two eat that from each side until that ends in a passionate kiss between them. Crepsley exhales and renders a man unconscious for Darren to feed on. The teen is initially reluctant, but finally does so (we don't see the contact or any blood). A small freak with a tall head threatens a vampanese figure, "I'm gonna ram my head up your ass." During a battle, we see that one of Murlaugh's teeth is stuck in Crepsley's forehead, and then see the tooth missing from Murlaugh's slightly blood mouth. We see a little blood around a blade that's in Murlaugh's clothed chest. Mr. Tiny then uses some sort of power that causes Murlaugh's body to shrink away to a small size (it initially appears that he's quickly decomposing, and then deflating until we realize he's just shrinking). DISRESPECTFUL/BAD ATTITUDE Darren refers to a friend from 5th grade who became "kind of a freak" (meaning a geek/nerd). Steve convinces Darren to skip class and then join him in throwing rocks or something similar to break lights up on the roof of the school building. Despite being grounded, Darren sneaks out of the house at night to attend the cirque show with Steve. About those who perform in the freak show (and denouncing the latter), the boys' teacher states they're deformed people who are gross and weird. When Alexander Ribs exposes his tiny midsection to outsiders (not seen), the boys' teacher calls him a "freak." Darren ends up somewhat accidentally stealing Crepsley's pet spider. About Darren, a student says he thought he was a "d*ck," prompting Steve to punch that kid in the face, flooring him. Steve crumples his test paper and throws that in the face of his teacher. Steve later punches that teacher in the face. Mr. Tiny wants to cause a war between the vampires and vampanese, while Murlaugh works for him. Darren learns that Mr. Tiny has kidnapped his family, as well as Rebecca, and has all of them bound, gagged and hanging above the stage in a theater (with his family shocked that he's apparently alive since they earlier buried him). FRIGHTENING SCENES Scenes listed under "Violence," "Blood/Gore" and "Jump Scenes" may be unsettling, suspenseful or scary to younger viewers and/or those with low tolerance levels for such material. Some non-realistic animation during the opening credits (spiders, some ghoulish looking figures, etc.) might be unsettling or scary to the youngest of viewers, but probably no one else. Those afraid of snakes might not like scenes featuring Evra and his large boa. Those afraid of spiders might not like a scene where Crepsley does a magic trick of sorts with a large, multi-colored spider that he states is very poisonous. He initially pretends to be scared of it after it emerges from the top hat in his hand and then crawls around his body. It then lands on Darren's leg, but the boy (who's enamored with arachnids) is not afraid (but everyone else freaks out). After sneaking into Crepsley's office, Darren pokes around, with the vampire's coffin lid suddenly opening, but the coffin is empty. Realizing Crepsley has heard him hiding in a closet, Darren ends up fleeing down a dark hallway, up a ladder of sorts and then into Mr. Tiny's car where he uneasily sits between Mr. Tiny and Murlaugh. Steve accidentally causes a small cage containing Crepsley's large, multi-colored spider to fall and break open on the floor, thus freeing the spider. It then scurries along the floor and from one freaked out student to another (including on some heads), with Steve repeatedly trying to smash it with a broom. He thinks he succeeds at smashing it by closing a window on it, but then feels and sees the bulge of it under his shirt. It then crawls out along his neck and bites him on the face, causing him to fall to the floor unconscious from the poison. Now half-vampire, Darren freaks out his younger sister by starring at her with a hunger in his eyes (but he doesn't act on that). GUNS/WEAPONS Knives: Used to threaten, wound or kill others. See "Violence" for details. We see a flashback to Mr. Tiny reading a book where the sketches come to life, including characters holding spears, one stabbing another with a knife, and that latter character and others then turning into skeletons. IMITATIVE BEHAVIOR Phrases: "How are you F-ed up" (with the "f" standing for "freaked"), "Oh sh*t," "(No, that's) Bullsh*t," "Holy sh*t," "Looks like you're in deep sh*t my larcenous friend," "Balls" (testicles), "I thought he was a d*ck," "Became kind of a freak," "That looks awesome," "Holy crap," "Say yes!" "Say no!" "Last of the mo-freakins," "Are you mentally unfit?" "He's just an idiot kid," "Super spit," "Ass-wipe," "They kinda freaked me out," "I think I'll hit the pine (coffin) early," "Dude," "Who the hell are you?" "What do you want from me, you freak?" "Don't mind him, he just needs Ex-Lax," "Looks like you're Crepsley's bitch now," "What the hell are you doing?" "I'm gonna ram my head up your ass," "That was really an asshole thing to do" and "Vampires suck." The fighting, stunts and other action might be enticing for some kids to imitate. A teacher runs his fingernails along a blackboard to get his class' attention. We see a woman with a large tattoo across her chest (and tops of her breasts) and multi-colored hair. After a woman in a show bites various things in half, Rhamus swallows all of that and more, including a lit torch, only to regurgitate a fully assembled mini-bike (and some related slime, etc. on that). We later see another character tossing knives into his open mouth. Steve has a little bit of blood on his hand, with Crepsley quickly tasting that, but then immediately spitting, with Gavner doing some repeated mock spitting in response. Murlaugh sharpens his fingernail and then tooth with a rotary sharpening tool. Darren scrapes his vampire-powered fingernails through a blackboard, deeply scratching the surface. Now half-vampire, Darren rummages through the fridge until he finds and eats a raw steak by hand. One of the freaks has a tattoo. Steve crumples his test paper and throws that in the face of his teacher. Crepsley drops Darren's phone to the ground and stomps on it. JUMP SCENES When Steve reaches in to retrieve the money he just paid to see the cirque show, a small figure behind the wall suddenly grabs and bites his hand (no blood). After sneaking into Crepsley's office, Darren pokes around, with the vampire's coffin lid suddenly opening, but the coffin is empty. MUSIC (SCARY/TENSE) An extreme amount of suspenseful and ominous music plays in the film. MUSIC (INAPPROPRIATE) A song has several uses of the lyric "Just for the hell of it." PROFANITY At least 1 implied use of the "f" word (as in "F-ed up" where the "f" is noted as standing for "freaked"), 5 "s" words, 1 slang term using male genitals ("d*ck"), 4 asses (1 used with "hole"), 4 hells, 2 craps, 2 damns, 2 uses of "Oh my God" and 1 use each of "God," "Good Lord" and "Oh God." SEX/NUDITY A miscellaneous woman shows a lot of cleavage. A werewolf scratches his hairy butt, but Steve says they just saw him scratch his "balls." Madame Truska shows varying amounts of cleavage (sometimes a lot) in various outfits throughout the film. Crepsley comments on some "interesting reading material" he's found in Darren's room, adding that he thought that was on the Internet now (possibly suggesting it's porn). Corma breaks off one of her fingers (that will grow back), places it into her and Alexander Ribs' mouths, and the two eat that from each side until that ends in a passionate kiss between them. A female freak kisses Darren and then slaps him, saying he's not her kind. SPOILER ALERT: Sexually symbolic or not, when Darren and Rebecca kiss, her prehensile tail rises up (but not fully erect, although that's the initial impression of the reaction, but some could also see it as a variation of the old "woman lifts her heel when kissed" bit). SMOKING None. TENSE FAMILY SCENES We see Darren's grieving family at his funeral, but they're unaware that he's really alive in the coffin, waiting for Crepsley to free him. Darren's parents aren't happy with him having skipped class and then doing some vandalizing of the school with Steve. Steve states he hasn't seen his dad in years and that his mom is always drunk, all of which means Steve hates his life. Darren learns that Mr. Tiny has kidnapped his family, as well as Rebecca, and has all of them bound, gagged and hanging above the stage in a theater (with his family shocked that he's apparently alive since they earlier buried him). TOPICS TO TALK ABOUT Darren's parents stress his future consists of college, job and family. Steve states he hasn't seen his dad in years and that his mom is always drunk, all of which means Steve hates his life. SPOILER ALERT: We learn that Rebecca is the monkey girl and has a prehensile tail. Crepsley states that he's found life meaningless but is still holding out some hope for death. The comment that it's not what you are, but who you are that matters. VIOLENCE Steve smashes a small spider in Darren's hand and then gets Darren to join him in throwing rocks or something similar to break lights up on the roof of the school building. When Steve reaches in to retrieve the money he just paid to see the cirque show, a small figure behind the wall suddenly grabs and bites his hand (no blood). A werewolf bites off Corma's arm during the show (we see the severed limb), and the audience panics but then sees the arm grow back from the bloody and grisly stump. We see a flashback to Mr. Tiny reading a book where the sketches come to life, including characters holding spears, one stabbing another with a knife, and that latter character and others then turning into skeletons. Gavner grabs Steve by the neck in a menacing fashion. Steve accidentally causes a small cage containing Crepsley's large, multi-colored spider to fall and break open on the floor, thus freeing the spider. It then scurries along the floor and from one freaked out student to another (including on some heads), with Steve repeatedly trying to smash it with a broom. He thinks he succeeds at smashing it by closing a window on it, but then feels and sees the bulge of it under his shirt. It then crawls out along his neck and bites him on the face, causing him to fall to the floor unconscious from the poison. Darren scrapes his vampire-powered fingernails through a blackboard, deeply scratching the surface. After giving him a sedative of some sort, Crepsley grabs and breaks Darren's neck, and then pushes his body off the roof (all to make everyone think Darren is dead so that Crepsley can revive him later). After Darren says he still can't feel his legs (following Crepsley digging him up and as an excuse not to fill the hole in the cemetery), Crepsley hits him on the leg with a shovel, causing Darren pain. Murlaugh and Crepsley fight in a cemetery at night, bashing through various headstones until Crepsley bashes Murlaugh on the head with a stone cross. The fight then continues, including down into a deep hole where Crepsley avoids Murlaugh's punches that go into the wall. He retrieves a human bone and bashes Crepsley with that, followed by throwing him out. He then comes after Darren, but Crepsley hits Murlaugh on the head with a shovel. After Murlaugh grabs Darren and starts to race away, Crepsley throws a headstone that knocks Murlaugh off his feet. They all end up out on the road in the path of a truck, with Crepsley pulling Darren out of the way just in time as the semi smashes into Murlaugh. The concerned driver races over to him, but Murlaugh bites and kills him (no blood). A tiny figure tries to bite Darren's hand while escorting him through the freak camp. About Darren, a student says he thought he was a "d*ck," prompting Steve to punch that kid in the face, flooring him. Steve crumples his test paper and throws that in the face of his teacher. While testing his fast vampire running, Darren accidentally smashes hard into a sign (played for laughs). Corma breaks off one of her fingers (that will grow back), places it into her and Alexander Ribs' mouths, and the two eat that from each side until that ends in a passionate kiss between them. A female freak kisses Darren and then slaps him, saying he's not her kind. Crepsley drops Darren's phone to the ground and stomps on it. Teaching Darren how to fight as a vampire, Crepsley grabs him by the throat and pins him back to a tree before throwing him to the ground. He then shows him how to use his nails as a weapon, but when Darren tries to copy Crepsley scratching a tree with one swipe, Darren hurts his hand. To bring Steve into their fold, Murlaugh impales him with his hand (the actual impact isn't seen) and others then join in beating the boy (no blood). After being turned into a vampire, Steve strikes his teacher. Crepsley exhales and renders a man unconscious for Darren to feed on. The teen is initially reluctant, but finally does so (we don't see the contact or any blood). Vampanese appear in the freak camp, looking for Darren. He ends up using a partial fashion mannequin to hit some of them after one pushes Evra aside. He then clocks one with an iron, followed by Crepsley arriving and thrashing a few about. Meanwhile, a werewolf is let loose and it confronts the vampanese who immediately surround and start to beat it, but the werewolf bites into one and throws him or another. Crepsley throws a knife into one vampanese figure, and then tosses his large spider onto Steve. As Darren and Steve battle, Crepsley and Murlaugh take turns throwing the same knife back and forth at each other, moving closer with each throw until they battle hand to hand. During that, one of Murlaugh's teeth ends up stuck in Crepsley's forehead, while they also bash and knock each other about the theater, including a hard fall for both. The fighting continues, with Murlaugh bashing Crepsley through many theater seats before tossing him up hard into the ceiling (followed by a hard fall). Steve then stabs Crepsley with a knife, followed by Murlaugh doing the same before throwing him over the balcony, with Crepsley landing hard on the floor below. Steve is then ready to deliver the fatal blow, but Darren knocks him aside, while Crepsley stabs a knife into Murlaugh's chest, delivering a fatal blow. Meanwhile, Darren and Steve continue fighting, with all sorts of hard blows (including Steve head-butting Darren), punches going through walls and such. The two then race at each other, but Mr. Tiny freezes them in mid-air, followed by them falling to the stage. Reviewed October 20, 2009 / Posted October 23, 2009

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