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(About Our Ads) "THE PIRATES WHO DON'T DO ANYTHING: A VEGGIETALES MOVIE" (2008) (voices of Phil Vischer, Mike Nawrocki) (G) Alcohol/ Drugs Blood/Gore Disrespectful/ Bad Attitude Frightening/ Tense Scenes Guns/ Weapons *None Minor Heavy *Moderate Moderate Imitative Behavior Jump Scenes Music (Scary/Tense) Music (Inappropriate) Profanity Mild Minor Heavy None None Sex/ Nudity Smoking Tense Family Scenes Topics To Talk About Violence None None Minor Mild Mild QUICK TAKE: Animated Comedy: A trio of dinner theater workers tries to decide if they're heroes when they're magically transported back to the 17th century and are mistaken for pirates as they attempt to rescue a princess from her nefarious uncle, a real pirate. PLOT: Elliot (voice of MIKE NAWROCKI), George (voice of PHIL VISCHER) and Sedgewick (voice of PHIL VISCHER) are armless and legless vegetables that work as "cabin boys" at a pirate-themed dinner theater show. While they long to be performers in it, they're relegated to being the wait staff. Unbeknownst to them, a 17th century princess, Eloise (voice of LAURA GEROW), has sent a mechanical/magical "help seeker" ball into her future (their present) looking for heroes. It seems her uncle, Robert the Terrible (voice of CAM CLARKE), wants to take over the monarchy while Eloise and her brother Alexander's (voice of YURI LOWENTHAL) father is off sailing the high seas. Having already kidnapped Alexander, Robert the Terrible now wants Eloise, and with only her trusty butler, Willory (voice of PHIL VISCHER), helping her elude capture, she needs reinforcements. As they're still dressed in their dinner show garb, Elliot, George and Sedgewick are mistaken for real pirates, but they're not so sure they're cut out to be heroes. Nevertheless, when they learn of Eloise's plight, they agree to help -- albeit in different stages -- even after learning of Robert the Terrible's reputation as a notorious and very real pirate. WILL KIDS WANT TO SEE IT? If they're fans of the VeggieTales, that's a definite yes, while younger, uninitiated kids might also be drawn to it. WHY THE MPAA RATED IT: G Presumably for not containing material to warrant a higher rating. CAST AS ROLE MODELS: It's debatable whether kids view animated characters (particularly non-human ones) as role models, but here's a quick look at the major characteristics of the main characters: ELLIOT is an armless and legless vegetable who works as part of the wait staff at a dinner theater. Along with the others, he ends up transported back into the 17th century where he must decide whether he's a hero or not (he initially does not think so, but has a change of heart). He then shows bravery while taking on the pirates and other beings. GEORGE is his co-worker and friend who's the first to discover his bravery and wants to do the right thing, mainly so that his kids back in the present day will look up to him. SEDGEWICK is their other friend and coworker who's the laziest of the bunch and the last to agree to help Eloise. ELOISE is the princess who tries to avoid her uncle and his minions who want to kidnap her. She has faith in the three heroes from the future. ROBERT THE TERRIBLE is her uncle, a notorious pirate who wants to usurp the monarchy while his brother the king is away. He kidnaps Alexander, and tries to do the same to Eloise. WILLORY is Eloise's faithful butler who tries to protect her and is doubtful of the three main characters' capabilities as heroes. ALEXANDER is Eloise's brother who's already been kidnapped by his uncle. CAST, CREW, & TECHNICAL INFO HOW OTHERS RATED THIS MOVIE Curious if this title is entertaining, any good, and/or has any artistic merit? Then read OUR TAKE of this film. (Note: The "Our Take" review of this title examines the film's artistic merits and does not take into account any of the possibly objectionable material listed below). OUR WORD TO PARENTS: The following is a brief summary of the content found in this G-rated comedy. No profanity or sexually related material is present, but various colorful phrases are. Various amounts of swashbuckler type action (sword battles, etc.) are present, and characters purposefully and accidentally knock others around. The various moments of potential peril might be unsettling for the very youngest of viewers, but probably no one else. Some behavior might prove as fodder for imitation, while varying degrees of bad attitudes are present. Root beer and some tropical looking drinks are designed to mimic the real thing, while a little bit of crude humor is present. Should you still be concerned about the film's appropriateness for yourself or anyone else in your home, you may want to look more closely at our detailed listings for more specific information regarding the film's content. ALCOHOL OR DRUG USE None, but root beer is portrayed as beer during a musical number in a tavern filled with pirates. In addition, the three main characters hold what look like tropical drinks (coconut halves with straws, etc.), but there's no indication they're alcoholic in nature. BLOOD/GORE Sedgewick goes down below deck to look for a bathroom. After accidentally firing a cannon in the "powder room," he comes back up top and states that he doesn't have to go to the bathroom anymore (a joke that it was "scared" out of him). After hearing of the pirate's reputation, Sedgewick says that if he ever runs into him, "I'll wet myself." A lyric comments on swabbing the "poop deck" (which is what it's really called). DISRESPECTFUL/BAD ATTITUDE About George and his pals' bumbled tryout attempts for the pirate dinner show, one character states the reason George's son looks up to the main actor on the show (rather than his father) is that the boy's "dad's a loser." Robert the Terrible is upset with his brother the king spending "their" money on the poor, rather than the family. Accordingly, he wants to usurp the monarchy, kidnaps Alexander and wants to do the same to Eloise. Robert the Terrible has hostages hoisted up into the air in a cage. Rather than help Eloise (and his friends help her), Sedgewick decides to stay behind in a cave that is filled with what he believes are cheese curls. FRIGHTENING SCENES Only the youngest of children will find scenes listed here and/or under "Violence" as unsettling, suspenseful or scary. We see a 17th century pirate battle, with some swordplay and brief cannon fire as Robert the Terrible's crew is after Eloise. One pirate comes looking for her (and thinks he's found her behind a curtain, but she's hiding elsewhere). A mysterious character briefly startles the main three characters with a nebulous sounding message (in some dramatic lighting, as some dramatic music plays). George and Sedgewick believe that the round and blinking help seeker device is a bomb and thus seek cover (but Elliot does not, as he doesn't react that way). The three go through reportedly treacherous waters filled with tall rocks, fog, and supposedly pirates (we see the first two elements). Robert the Terrible's ship fires a cannonball over another ship carrying Eloise, Willory and the three main characters. Robert the Terrible then wants them to give up Eloise or else he'll fire again, and gives them a countdown to do so. George orders Elliot to cut the sails, but the latter can't figure out how to. As the cannons are aimed and Robert the Terrible gets closer to the count of one, Sedgewick goes down below and accidentally fires a cannon at Robert the Terrible's ship. The ball ricochets, hits the rig (which knocks a pirate overboard), and then causes Robert the Terrible's ship to run aground. The characters' ship sails toward a thunderstorm and giant whirlpool and most everyone seems frightened, but all of that turns out to have been a mirage that then disappears when they get closer. Rather than help Eloise (and his friends help her), Sedgewick decides to stay behind in a cave that is filled with what he believes are cheese curls. When the others leave, however, Sedgewick learns that they're really mean little worms with sharp teeth that then chase after him. He's about to give up, but is then guided to climb up a pile of rocks to escape from the cave. Several huge rock monsters, awakened from their sleep, come after Elliot and George, but they then see (as they're surrounded) that they're just the children to the much large and gargantuan rock monster father. It turns out, however, that the rock monsters are easily entertained, and the father helps the three along on their trip. A huge rock monster throws the three characters' ship into the water (to help them along the way), and then does a cannonball jump into the water to create a huge wave that carries them through two huge rock walls just as they close together. They then encounter a huge dragon (that's obviously mechanical -- at least to adults and older kids), with it then swallowing Elliot, but it then jerks to a stop and he cuts himself out of the "beast." Robert the Terrible holds a sword on Eloise, but George throws a sword that cuts a rope and sends a candelabra crashing down onto Robert the Terrible. He appears to have been decapitated, but we then realize the rest of his "body" is just mechanical (and he's then put back together again for the ensuing chase). Robert the Terrible's pirate ship chases after the three main characters, Eloise and Willory in a rowboat. Robert the Terrible's ship then fires cannons at the rowboat, with the balls splashing close to the rowboat from which Eloise nearly falls out. The King's ship then arrives and fires a cannon shot at the pirate ship, hitting it and causing everyone but Robert the Terrible to abandon ship. We see him sink with it, and presumably drown, but he's later seen alive. Back in the present, Robert the Terrible comes after an actor on the dinner show pirate ship, with the three main characters then trying to intervene. In the ensuing chaos, various characters are knocked off the ship, but a rowboat then crashes down onto Robert the Terrible, ending his actions. GUNS/WEAPONS Swords/Cannons/Sea Mine Carried and/or used to threaten or fight with others and/or cause property damage. See "Violence" for details. IMITATIVE BEHAVIOR Phrases: "Back to the sea, dog," "This job will be the death of me," "Hey, cabin boy," "What was that about?" "Gals," "Avast, you scurvy dogs," "Bilge rat," "I guess that makes us the pirates who don't do anything," "His dad's a loser," "That's something you don't see every day," "For Heaven's sake," "How comforting," "Buffoons," "What's the matter there, parrot got your tongue?" "Oh, for Pete's sake," "He's the spineless sea sponge," "What he lacks in spine, he makes up for in brains," "Captain Weather Channel," "Holy mackerel," "What kind of crazy B movie am I in?" "Blah-blah-blah," "Back off serpent, or taste my steel," "It's a labor-saving device," "It's not magic, it's Radio Shack," "You've got to be kidding," "You're mad" and "Say hello to my little friend." Some of the swashbuckler type action might be enticing for some kids to imitate. George balances many mugs in a tall stack as the waiters clean up after the show. Sedgewick repeatedly pounds his head on a rowboat in frustration. Sedgewick jumps from a cliff to the water far below (to escape some malevolent worms that are after him). JUMP SCENES A rowboat from the past suddenly lands on the road in front of the three main characters. MUSIC (SCARY/TENSE) A heavy amount of suspenseful, dramatic and action-oriented music plays in the film. MUSIC (INAPPROPRIATE) None. PROFANITY None. SEX/NUDITY None. SMOKING None. TENSE FAMILY SCENES Eloise worries about her brother who's been kidnapped by their evil uncle, whom she tries to avoid. TOPICS TO TALK ABOUT The comment that a hero does what he or she knows is right. How the characters hold things (such as swords) without having any arms. VIOLENCE We see a 17th century pirate battle, with some swordplay and brief cannon fire as Robert the Terrible's crew is after Eloise. One character is knocked overboard, and a rolling keg knocks another to the deck. In a pirate-themed dinner show, one character knocks another off the set boat, while cannons are also fired (but cause no damage). As the three main characters try out for the pirate dinner show, some sandbags accidentally come loose and cause some structural damage. We then see all three characters being thrown out the door to the alley (all played for comedy). Sedgewick accidentally knocks the other two characters with him into a rowboat. Robert the Terrible's ship fires a cannonball over another ship carrying Eloise, Willory and the three main characters. Robert the Terrible then wants them to give up Eloise or else he'll fire again, and gives them a countdown to do so. George orders Elliot to cut the sails, but the latter can't figure out how to. As the cannons are aimed and Robert the Terrible gets closer to the count of one, Sedgewick goes down below and accidentally fires a cannon at Robert the Terrible's ship. The ball ricochets, hits the rig (which knocks a pirate overboard), and then causes Robert the Terrible's ship to run aground. There's some slapstick style material in a musical number where pirates bump into others, bend swords so that they rebound and strike others, and knives are thrown into walls, etc. Robert the Terrible states that he's created a sea mine, and we see a demo of one that then blows up an empty ship. Elliot and George accidentally run into each other while trying to flee some large rock monsters (after Elliot accidentally runs into one of the huge feet). Robert the Terrible holds a sword on Eloise, but George throws a sword that cuts a rope and sends a candelabra crashing down onto Robert the Terrible. He appears to have been decapitated, but we then realize the rest of his "body" is just mechanical (and he's then put back together again for the ensuing chase). Robert the Terrible's pirate ship chases after the three main characters, Eloise and Willory in a rowboat. Robert the Terrible's ship then fires cannons at the rowboat, with the balls splashing close to the rowboat from which Eloise nearly falls out. The King's ship then arrives and fires a cannon shot at the pirate ship, hitting it and causing everyone but Robert the Terrible to abandon ship. We see him sink with it, and presumably drown, but he's later seen alive. Back in the present, Robert the Terrible comes after an actor on the dinner show pirate ship, with the three main characters then trying to intervene. In the ensuing chaos, various characters are knocked off the ship, but a rowboat then crashes down onto Robert the Terrible, ending his actions. Reviewed January 7, 2008 / Posted January 11, 2008