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"MEET THE SPARTANS"
(2008) (Sean Maguire, Carmen Electra) (PG-13)

Alcohol/
Drugs
Blood/Gore Disrespectful/
Bad Attitude
Frightening/
Tense Scenes
Guns/
Weapons
Mild Moderate *Heavy None Extreme
Imitative
Behavior
Jump
Scenes
Music
(Scary/Tense)
Music
(Inappropriate)
Profanity
Moderate None Moderate Moderate Heavy
Sex/
Nudity
Smoking Tense Family
Scenes
Topics To
Talk About
Violence
Extreme None Minor Moderate *Heavy


QUICK TAKE:
Comedy: Ancient Spartans try to defend their homeland from invading Persians in this spoof of the movie "300" and other American pop culture.
PLOT:
In this spoof of the movie "300" and American pop culture, Leonidas (SEAN MAGUIRE) is the king of the Spartans, married to Queen Margo (CARMEN ELECTRA). When a Persian Emissary (METHOD MAN) representing Persian warlord Xerxes (KEN DAVITIAN) arrives with word of his master's intentions of conquering their people if they don't submit, Leonidas balks at the demand, kills the messenger, and sets out to build an army to battle the pending invaders.

Yet, his Captain (KEVIN SORBO) is only able to round up 13 rather than 300 warriors as requested, and one of them, the rotund Dilio (JAREB DAUPLAISE), isn't exactly in prime fighting shape. Nevertheless, and with Captain's young adult son, Sonio (TRAVIS VAN WINKLE), joining them, they set off for battle.

Back home, Queen Margo does what she must to help her husband, even if that includes using her sexual wiles to try to convince the conniving councilman, Traitoro (DIEDRICH BADER). As Leonidas and his men go into battle, they must not only contend with Xerxes and his much larger army, but also various American pop culture figures and icons (including Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Rocky Balboa look-alikes) who show up along the way.

WILL KIDS WANT TO SEE IT?
If they're into spoof movies, they probably will.
WHY THE MPAA RATED IT: PG-13
For crude and sexual content throughout, language and some comic violence.
CAST AS ROLE MODELS:
All of the following is purposefully played to be goofy:
  • SEAN MAGUIRE plays the brave and intense Spartan king who wants to defeat Xerxes and his invading forces, all while showing his apparent bisexual nature. He uses profanity.
  • CARMEN ELECTRA plays his wife, the queen, who uses her sexual wiles to get what she wants and gain help for her husband off in battle. She uses some profanity.
  • KEN DAVITIAN plays the evil and heavily pierced warlord who wants to conquer Sparta.
  • KEVIN SORBO plays Leonidas' warrior lieutenant who goes to battle with him.
  • DIEDRICH BADER plays a conniving councilman who apparently sleeps with Queen Margo in her attempt to sway his favors.
  • METHOD MAN plays the Persian Emissary who arrives with Xerxes' takeover message and briefly makes out with Queen Margo.
  • JAREB DAUPLAISE plays one of the Spartan warriors who's not quite in prime physical shape, but makes up for that in passion for battle.
  • TRAVIS VAN WINKLE plays Captain's adult son who joins the battle.
  • CAST, CREW, & TECHNICAL INFO

    HOW OTHERS RATED THIS MOVIE


    Curious if this title is entertaining, any good, and/or has any artistic merit?
    Then read OUR TAKE of this film.


    (Note: The "Our Take" review of this title examines the film's artistic merits and does not take into account any of the possibly objectionable material listed below).


    OUR WORD TO PARENTS:
    The following is a brief summary of the content found in this comedy that's been rated PG-13. Profanity consists of a bleeped out "f" word, a slang term using female genitalia, and other expletives and colorful phrases. Sexually related dialogue, song lyrics, and all sorts of related material are present, including repeated running gag bits playing up and off the homoerotic elements of the movie "300."

    That includes views of muscular men in just small/tight shorts, them greeting each other by French kissing, holding hands, and more. Scantly clad women are also seen (some doing suggestive dancing or provocative poses), as are varying amounts of cleavage, while a scene fakes an intimate sexual encounter (when it's really the husband just bench pressing the wife) and off-screen sex is suggested.

    Some nudity (a man's bare butt, his genital-free crotch, a woman's bare butt, others in thongs, a woman's private parts barely covered by small pieces of food as she lies otherwise fully nude, etc.) is also seen, while pixilated/blurred crotch views of various female, look-alike celebrities are seen (thus no details). Phallic symbolism is also present.

    Comedy-based violence includes various mostly non-bloody deaths (although there is a decapitation via a boxing punch), people hitting or otherwise striking others (both in and out of battle), and various bits of slapstick style material. Bad attitudes are present (also comedy based), and some of the behavior (fighting and otherwise) might be enticing for some kids to imitate.

    Some brief drinking occurs, as do various bits of crude humor (including vomit, animal excrement ending up on people's faces, and other scatological material).

    If you're still concerned about the film and its appropriateness for yourself or anyone else in your home who may be interested in seeing it, we suggest that you take a closer look at our detailed listings for more specific information regarding the film's content.


    ALCOHOL OR DRUG USE
  • Captain states his father was an alcoholic.
  • Following a battle, the Spartans drink beer in a mock beer commercial.
  • We see liquor and what appears to be a caffeine-heavy drink being mixed together.
  • BLOOD/GORE
  • All of the following is played for comedy.
  • We see a pile of human skulls.
  • A Shrek-looking baby projectile vomits green goo all over a man.
  • A man doing some Bond-like torture has varying degrees of blood on his face (more as the scene progresses).
  • A huge penguin knocks young Leonidas to the ground and then sits on him facing the other direction. We then hear farting and intestinal sounds, and see penguin excrement land on Leonidas' face (with the humanized penguin saying he caught Leonidas with his mouth open).
  • Some old prophets have very bad looking skin (with boils, blisters and more, possibly from leprosy or some other disfiguring disease, but it's played for laughs as Leonidas and his men bring them skin cream and such).
  • An Ugly Betty look-alike has very hairy armpits (presented to be gross). She sneezes mucous all over Leonidas and some prophets. When she collapses, one of the latter goes over to her, licks mucous off her face, and then sticks his tongue up her nose.
  • We see a Paris Hilton look-alike with a hunchback, bad looking skin there, and a deformed arm (all played for comedy).
  • A Paris Hilton look-alike says that her dog hasn't moved since last Saturday, yet still poops, which she finds weird.
  • During a dance-off number, Leonidas slides along on his neck that then graphically breaks open (but there's no blood). He then stands up and pops his head back in place, no worse for the wear.
  • Xerxes pulls off his own pierced nipple by accident (no blood, but we see the hole), and then staples the nipple back onto his body.
  • Spartans and others get into an insult match where a joke is made about a fart, Al Gore, and global warming.
  • Traitoro grabs what he thinks is water and drinks it, with Queen Margo saying it's her urine sample (and he replies that it tastes like asparagus).
  • Xerxes stabs something into a Paris Hilton look-alike's hunchback, with that then popping like a giant zit and blowing him backwards along with the goo.
  • We see Dilio with no eyes (and seemingly nothing else behind them as the open eye sockets show what's behind his head). Beyond being blind, he's otherwise okay (another character is shown with a third eyeball in his forehead).
  • After Traitoro, who's now suddenly Sandman, has collapsed into a pile of sand, a cat runs over and uses him as a litter box (complete with farting/defecation sounds). Traitoro then turns back into a person, but has a piece of cat excrement on his face, and is grossed out by that, as is everyone else.
  • A Rocky Balboa look-alike knocks Sonio's head from his body (we see the head flying, and the resultant stump, but there's no blood).
  • Xerxes throws a spear through Captain, who has a little blood on his face, and appears to vomit a tiny bit before dying.
  • DISRESPECTFUL/BAD ATTITUDE
  • All of the following is played for comedy.
  • Some viewers may be offended by the source of various jokes, such as those involving homosexuality or obesity.
  • Xerxes and his soldiers obviously have bad attitudes (although played for comedy).
  • Spartans and others get into an insult match where lines such as "Your momma's so ghetto, when she breast-feeds, Kool-Aid comes out" and "Your momma's t*tties are smaller than yours" (said to Dilio) are bandied about.
  • Traitoro is a conniving councilman who alerts Xerxes of Leonidas' plan. He also accepts sex with Queen Margo in exchange for her thinking he'll help the King.
  • FRIGHTENING SCENES
  • None.
  • GUNS/WEAPONS
  • Handgun/Machine gun/Swords/Spears/Knives/: Carried and/or used to threaten, wound or kill others. See "Violence" for details.
  • IMITATIVE BEHAVIOR
  • Phrases: "Oh go f*ck yourself" (with the f-word partially bleeped out), "C'mon, you little sh*t," "This is bullsh*t," "Won't count for sh*t," "Weak ass sh*t," "Oh sh*t," "Ah sh*t," "What a bunch of dumb sh*ts," "Your wife's a ho," "Look at me, I'm booby-feeding my baby," "Nice man-boob," "I've always wanted to do a fat chick," "Nice tomatoes," "Your momma's t*tties are smaller than yours," "Awesome, I'm so getting laid," "Slut," "I'm ready to suckle a teat," "Who the hell is Bond?" "I'm about to shove my happy foot up your ass, cracker," "My ass," "What the hell, dawg?" "Kick his ass in," "This is Sparta!" "Oh damn, cuz," "Seacrest out," "What's so damn funny?" "For-shizzle," "Douche bag says what?" "You're screwed dude," "You can kiss my fat ass," "You asshole," "Hell, if you died, I'd play the field," "We'd be screwed," "Fat chick," "Back off, hideous creature," "You got served," "You got balls," "Gonna shish kabob your ass," "Bitch, lose some weight," "Your momma's so butch," "Jeez," "Damn that Paris Hilton," "What the hell is so funny?" "You're pissing me off," "Putz," "No you didn't," "Dust-busting bitch," "Well, tickle my nipple with a feather," "I'm gonna go Hercules on your ass" and "You're going to Hell."
  • Various break-dance style dance moves might prove enticing for some kids to imitate, as might the action and other stunts that appear in the film.
  • Leonidas ends up spraying spit on a messenger while yelling out, "This is Sparta!"
  • Xerxes has many piercings all over his body (including his nipples).
  • Spartans and others get into an insult match where lines such as "Your momma's so ghetto, when she breast-feeds, Kool-Aid comes out" and "Your momma's t*tties are smaller than yours" (said to Dilio) are bandied about.
  • A thug has some tattoos.
  • JUMP SCENES
  • None.
  • MUSIC (SCARY/TENSE)
  • A moderate amount of heavily dramatic and some suspenseful music plays in the film.
  • MUSIC (INAPPROPRIATE)
  • A song includes the line "Damn, baby, damn," along with what sounded like sexually related lyrics.
  • A song has lines about "Come and give it to me," "Give me your body" and "Give me your goodies."
  • A song has the line, "Do the humpty hump."
  • A song has a line about having to "shake your ass."
  • PROFANITY
  • At least 1 partially bleeped out "f" word, 11 "s" words, 4 slang terms for sex ("do it," "done it," "do" and "laid"), 1 using female genitals ("p*ssy"), 1 for male ones ("package"), 5 for breasts ("rack," "booby," "boob," "tomatoes" and "t*tties"), 11 asses (1 used with "hole"), 6 damns, 5 hells, 2 uses of "Oh God" and 1 use of "God."
  • SEX/NUDITY
  • All of the following is played for comedy.
  • A baby speaks and states that it's ready to "suckle a teat."
  • In a spoof from the last James Bond film, we see Leonidas bound to a chair in just small shorts. A man then proceeds to whip something heavy around so that it hits Leonidas' unseen scrotum several times from below (we do see it hanging in those shorts below the chair). When that doesn't work, that man spreads dog food on the same area, and it's implied that a dog bites there, but we don't see the impact.
  • Throughout the film, we see Leonidas and other (mostly) buff and seemingly oiled up men in just very small and tight shorts.
  • We see young Leonidas in what looks like a large diaper.
  • Various songs have sexually related lyrics (see that category for more details).
  • We see Queen Margo, dressed like a seductive schoolgirl (revealing clothes, including showing cleavage, ponytail, and suggestively sucking on a lollipop). She does some sexy dancing for Leonidas (this is when they first meet), including suggestively bending over. She then tells him to sign her "rack" (chest, and he does, with her saying they're real). She then writes some numbers on his bare chest, adding that they're the combination for her chastity belt (that she then reveals, in close-up, on top of her panty-style bottom).
  • Leonidas French kisses a male messenger, stating that's how they greet men in Sparta (while just "high-fiving" women). As Leonidas describes this, we see two stereotypically gay-looking young men standing together. Queen Margo then says that she digs "big black dudes" (the messenger is black), and the messenger delivers Xerxes' message that the Spartan women will become Xerxes' sex slaves. Leonidas later catches the messenger and Queen Margo making out, clothed and standing, with the messenger telling Leonidas, "Your wife's a ho."
  • A Britney Spears look-alike holds a fake baby to her chest and exclaims, "Look at me, I'm booby feeding my baby" (no bare breasts are seen). She then spreads her legs, and a close-up camera view shows a pixilated/blurred image of her bare crotch (no details can be seen).
  • As Leonidas describes his military plan (regarding the Persians) to some old prophets, they laugh when he says he's going to "take them in the rear" and then "reach around and take them from the front" (prompting one prophet to state that it sounds like back-stage at an Elton John concert).
  • We see a full nude rear view of Leonidas standing in a doorway, with several women laughing at him. One states that he looks like a Ken doll, and he says it's cold as we see a close-up view of his genital-free crotch (made to look like that on such a doll).
  • Leonidas looks at writing on Queen Margo's skin that says "Leonidas was here." He then pulls the material down a bit to reveal names of others who've also "been" there, including various famous men, one actress, and a sports team.
  • Leonidas asks Queen Margo if she wants to "do it," she says like they've never "done it" before, and we then see close-up views of what initially appears to be an intimate and sensual sexual encounter (heavy breathing, bare skin, some movement, etc.). But we then see that it's really just Leonidas bench-pressing Queen Margo (who's wearing the equivalent of a tube top and a sarong), and he tosses her aside when he's done.
  • We hear that one of the requirements of Leonidas' warriors is that they be well-endowed, and we see them dressed just like him (mostly buff, seemingly oiled up, in just small/tight shorts). Leonidas then goes over to the somewhat overweight Dilio, comments on his nice "man boobs" and then proceeds to grope them.
  • Leonidas passionately kisses Captain as a greeting, has his hand on his shoulder, looks at his crotch, and plays with his hair, all of which makes Captain uncomfortable. Spotting Sonio approaching, Leonidas says, "He's got a huge package," but we then see that the young man is carrying a large box in front of him.
  • A woman turns around, lifts her bottom and states, "You can kiss my fat ass." We then see her pockmarked and dirty bare butt in close-up.
  • We see a poster of Sonio, slightly reclined back and holding his sword, with the pose making that appear phallic.
  • Leonidas tells Queen Margo that if she died, he'd play the field, adding that he's always wanted to "do" a "fat chick."
  • Queen Margo shows varying amounts of cleavage (sometimes a lot) in various outfits.
  • A Paris Hilton look-alike says she wants to be a Spartan warrior, and asks the men if they've seen her video (referring to a real-life Internet sex tape), and suggestively runs her hand up and down on a spear shaft. After she accidentally knocks herself out, we see a close-up view of her crotch, but don't see any details as that section of the picture has been pixilated/blurred.
  • During a dance-off with the Persians that include various taunts, the Spartans tell their opponents to check out their rock hard buttocks (which we see in the same small/tight shorts as before).
  • Following a battle, the Spartans drink beer in a mock beer commercial, with the announcer commenting on their war mongering and latent homosexual behavior, all as Leonidas downs some erectile dysfunction pills.
  • We see several views (aerial and side) of Queen Margo lying fully nude on a massage table. She has tomato slices cover her nipples (prompting one man to state, "Nice tomatoes") and a slice of pizza covering her crotch. As she turns over, we see her bare back, as well as brief and partial views of the side of her bare breast.
  • Queen Margo longingly gazes at her sweaty male gardener, who holds his leaf blower in a phallic way.
  • Some models on a spoof of Deal or No Deal show cleavage.
  • Spartans and others get into an insult match where lines such as "Your momma's so ghetto, when she breast-feeds, Kool-Aid comes out" and "Your momma's t*tties are smaller than yours" (said to Dilio) are bandied about.
  • Traitoro stares at Queen Margo's cleavage (her words become muffled to him) and knowing she needs his help for him to help her husband, she lowers her top (we don't see anything, but do her a "boing" sound representing his unseen erection). He excitedly states, "Awesome, I'm so getting laid" and "Goodbye virginity," adding that it won't last long as he has ED (erectile dysfunction). She replies that's okay as she has crabs (and we see a close-up view of her panty-style bottom that has aquatic crabs crawling all over it). Sex is implied but not seen, as he later refers to her as a "slut."
  • We see scantly clad women in Xerxes' lair, with one of them kissing a man, and the rest doing some slight dancing. A Paris Hilton look-alike then tells Xerxes that she doesn't bow down (to him), but "I do bend over."
  • The camera goes up Queen Margo's body as she walks in slow motion in high heels, does some sexy moves (shaking her chest, bending over and shaking her butt), and then collects money from male admirers (and puts that cash down into her cleavage).
  • As the Spartans prepare to battle the Persians, half of them jump on the backs of others, including Sonio on Leonidas. Leonidas then tells the young man to adjust his sword as it's digging into his back, with Sonio stating his sword isn't there (an erection joke).
  • During a battle, an opponent is speared, with the camera angle giving the spear a phallic symbolism (from the man holding it).
  • A Rocky Balboa look-alike has his clothes knocked off him, revealing him in an adult diaper.
  • As Xerxes rushes off, we see the top of his butt crack.
  • We see some dead Spartans, including two in the "69" position (the way their bodies fell).
  • Dilio, who's blind, feels Queen Margo's face to try to identify her, but is only positive of that after he gropes both of her clothed breasts.
  • Dilio, who's blind, ends up knocking a Lindsay Lohan look-alike aside, and we see a pixilated/blurred out view of her bare crotch (no details) as she flies through the air.
  • We see some women dancing in bikinis, with the bottoms being of the thong variety (thus, we see most of their bare butt cheeks).
  • A Britney Spears look-alike appears in a bikini style outfit and awkwardly shakes her chest.
  • SMOKING
  • None.
  • TENSE FAMILY SCENES
  • Captain states his father was an alcoholic.
  • Captain sees his son decapitated, but there's no grief as it's all played for comedy.
  • TOPICS TO TALK ABOUT
  • How hard it is to make good spoof/parody films.
  • The film playing up and off the homoeroticism found in the movie "300."
  • Queen Margo using her sexuality to get what she wants.
  • Ancient Sparta and Persia.
  • Pop culture figures such as Paris Hilton and Britney Spears and why people like to make fun of them.
  • VIOLENCE
  • All of the following is played for comedy.
  • After a Shrek-looking baby vomits on him, a man kicks the baby to a pile of skulls.
  • Young Leonidas' grandmother punches him, prompting him to do the same back to her, knocking out her dentures.
  • In a spoof from the last James Bond film, we see Leonidas bound to a chair in just small shorts. A man then proceeds to whip something heavy around so that it hits Leonidas' unseen scrotum several times from below (we do see it hanging in those shorts below the chair). When that doesn't work, that man spreads dog food on the same area, and it's implied that a dog bites there, but we don't see the impact.
  • A huge penguin knocks young Leonidas to the ground and then sits on him facing the other direction. Leonidas then breaks some display glass to retrieve a large spear that he uses to stab through the penguin's head (the act is seen as a shadow).
  • Leonidas spars with his young son in some training, including head-butting him to the ground, doing a pile driver move on him (lifting him up by the feet and then driving his head down to the ground between Leonidas' legs), doing a wrestling leap onto him (elbow landing on his chest), chasing him with a chainsaw, hitting him with a chair, a vase-like object, and then firing paint balls into him (along with Queen Margo and Captain).
  • One sequence has Leonidas kicking various characters into the "pit of death" (done in slow motion, spoofing the same in the movie "300," and including a Britney Spears look-alike, the same for judges from "American Idol" and more). He then throws the garbage disposal switch, we hear those in the pit scream, and then see an aerial view looking down into it, with the bodies swirling around and then disappearing downward, out of sight.
  • Leonidas throws a book out the window and it accidentally hits a woman in the face.
  • Leonidas tosses Queen Margo aside (she lands hard) after repeatedly bench pressing her.
  • Leonidas punches his young son while telling him to stay tough.
  • A Paris Hilton look-alike throws a shield that then lands on her head, knocking her out.
  • Dilio runs and leaps toward the Persians, only to overshoot them. He lands hard against a vertical rock formation, falls off a cliff, and lands crotch-first on a limb sticking out from the cliff.
  • During a dance-off number, one Persian's crotch repeatedly hits feet sticking up in the air as he passes over them.
  • During a dance-off number, Leonidas slides along on his neck that then graphically breaks open (but there's no blood). He then stands up and pops his head back in place, no worse for the wear.
  • Spartans drive various Persians off a cliff and into the water below, but that ends with the Persians using a diving board to enter the water from the same location.
  • A comedy bit has a masseuse pounding down hard on Queen Margo (lying face down on a table), with each blow landing harder, ending with the woman jumping up into the air and then crashing down onto Queen Margo.
  • Xerxes shoots one man with a handgun.
  • A young woman punches Dilio.
  • Now blind, Dilio accidentally punches one of his own men, and then accidentally hits and knocks others to the ground with his spear. He then runs into a vertical rock formation.
  • Suddenly dressed like Bad Spider-Man, Queen Margo punches Traitoro, but he's now the Sandman and her hand goes through his sandy body. She does hit him in the crotch, however, followed by jumping on him, causing him to collapse into a pile of sand.
  • Spartans and Persians rush into and then bounce off each other as groups. We then see real battle, done in exaggerated, slow-motion style, with spears stabbed into opponents, shields used to hit people, and the like. Leonidas then flicks one man with a wet towel, twists the nipples of another, and gives a third a wedgie.
  • A Rocky Balboa look-alike knocks Sonio's head from his body (we see the head flying, and the resultant stump, but there's no blood). Captain then kills one warrior, and then punches that boxer in the face and gut, with the boxer then punching Captain to the ground. Captain then chooses a syringe of Botox from weapons to use against the boxer, and jams that syringe into the fighter's head, killing him.
  • Xerxes throws a spear through Captain, who has a little blood on his face, and appears to vomit a tiny bit before dying.
  • Leonidas ends up in a video game version of the battle where he yanks a thug from his car, hits a warrior repeatedly with a tire iron (as sword fights continue around him), and then mows down others with a machine gun.
  • A large Transformer loses power and falls hard on various Spartans, killing them (we don't see the impact).
  • Dilio, who's blind, ends up knocking a Lindsay Lohan look-alike aside, and we see a pixilated/blurred out view of her bare crotch (no details) as she flies through the air.



  • Reviewed January 25, 2008 / Posted January 25, 2008

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