"SIMON SEZ" (1999) (Dennis Rodman, Dane Cook) (PG-13) Alcohol/ Drugs Blood/Gore Disrespectful/ Bad Attitude Frightening/ Tense Scenes Guns/ Weapons Minor Mild Extreme Mild Extreme Imitative Behavior Jump Scenes Music (Scary/Tense) Music (Inappropriate) Profanity Heavy Minor Moderate None Moderate Sex/ Nudity Smoking Tense Family Scenes Topics To Talk About Violence Heavy Minor Minor Mild Extreme QUICK TAKE: Action/Adventure: An Interpol agent and his bumbling assistant try to save a kidnaped young woman while stopping a madman from acquiring a powerfully destructive weapon. PLOT: Simon (DENNIS RODMAN) is an agent for Interpol who, with the help of his high-tech, undercover monks, Brother Macro (RICKY HARRIS) and Brother Micro (JOHN PINETTE) a.k.a. "Free Willy," is second to none in doing his job. His latest case is trying to find Ashton (JEROME PRADON), a notorious arms dealer who's hoping to buy a powerfully destructive weapon from Colonel Telore (IGOR DE SAVITCH). Yet he's sidetracked when a former supposed acquaintance from his CIA days, Nick (DANE COOK), tracks him down in France needing his help. An annoyingly bumbling man, Nick is working for a wealthy American executive who's sent him with a ransom of two million dollars to retrieve his kidnaped daughter, Claire (NATALIA CIGLIUTI). The only problem is, Claire doesn't know she's been abducted since she hasn't, and the content of the executive's briefcase turns out to be a CD-ROM containing secret military code instead of the money. Of course, all of this peaks Simon's interest, especially when all old associate of his, known as The Dancer (EMMA SJOBERG) shows up with an inclination to inflict some martial arts damage on him. Things then become more complicated when it turns out that Claire is dating Michael (FILIP NICOLIC), the charming and muscle-bound son of Bernard (HENRI COURSEAUX), who just so happens to work for Ashton. As Simon digs deeper through the facts, he must not only try to nab Ashton while dealing with his resident thug, XIN-XIN (XIN-XIN XIONG)and The Dancer, but must also make sure that no harm comes to Claire. WILL KIDS WANT TO SEE IT? If they're fans of Rodman or of action-filled martial arts films, they might (most likely meaning male teens), but it doesn't seem that this film is on most kids "must see" lists. WHY THE MPAA RATED IT: PG-13 For violence and sexuality. CAST AS ROLE MODELS: DENNIS RODMAN plays an Interpol agent who's good at what he does, but his appearance (nose rings, multiple tattoos, dyed hair) and some behavior (sleeping with his on-again, off-again lover/enemy, cussing some, etc...) may have some parents wondering if they'd want their kids mimicking him. DANE COOK plays his annoying and bumbling assistant who's so irritating that few, if any parents would want their kids to grow up like him. JEROME PRADON plays the typical, megalomaniacal villain who wants to make money by threatening the world. JOHN PINETTE and RICKY HARRIS play Simon's two high-tech, undercover monk agents who are as apt to break into dance as help solve Simon's latest quest. EMMA SJOBERG plays Simon's former associate (and possible lover) who's working for the bad guy, fights with Simon and others, and ends up in bed with him. CAST, CREW, & TECHNICAL INFO HOW OTHERS RATED THIS MOVIE Curious if this title is entertaining, any good, and/or has any artistic merit? Then read OUR TAKE of this film. (Note: The "Our Take" review of this title examines the film's artistic merits and does not take into account any of the possibly objectionable material listed below). OUR WORD TO PARENTS: The following is a brief summary of the content found in this PG-13 rated action/adventure film. An extreme amount of violence is present, with many people being shot and/or otherwise wounded or killed (although in a nearly bloodless fashion). In addition, an extreme amount of martial arts fighting occurs between many characters (with the ones who are villains obviously having bad attitudes). Some of that fighting may prove to be of imitative fodder for some kids, as might Dennis Rodman's appearance (nose rings, tattoos, dyed hair, etc...). He and a woman have a sexual encounter in the film, but a great deal of it's obscured by a strobe-light effect that prevents the audience from seeing exactly what's occurring (although it appears that no nudity or graphic movement is present). Beyond that, plenty of women in skimpy bikinis are present, and a man humps a sofa while having an erotic dream (we only see him and not the dream). Profanity consists of at least 19 "s" words, along with other profanities and some colorful phrases. Beyond that and some brief drinking and smoking, the rest of the film's remaining categories have little or nothing in the way of major objectionable material. As always, however, should you still be concerned with the film's appropriateness for anyone in your home, we suggest that you take a closer look at the detailed content listings. Of special note for those concerned with bright, repetitive flashing of lights, a sex scene between two characters takes place with a strong strobe-like effect, thus causing intense, on-screen flashing of bright lights. ALCOHOL OR DRUG USE Claire and Michael have wine in a winery. Nick and the two monks have wine in front of them while playing poker. People have drinks at a wedding reception. BLOOD/GORE We hear Nick vomiting and then see a bit of it on his lower lip. It looks like Simon has a bloody scratch on his chest and abdomen seen through a hole in his shirt. We see some blood from Ashton's mouth after Simon punches him. DISRESPECTFUL/BAD ATTITUDE Ashton and all of those working with or for him obviously have extreme cases of both types of attitudes. Some viewers may take offense at having two monks portrayed as goofy, undercover or part-time agents. The same holds true for one of them acting like the booming voice of God to intimidate Nick in a monastery and then have him dance some dance steps from "Soul Train" and repeat "Go, Jesus. Go, Jesus." Nick distracts Simon, causing him to throw a small, metal ball off target, resulting in sounds of something breaking as well as the stereotypical screeching sound of a cat (as if it were frightened and/or hit by the ball) -- thus possibly giving kids the wrong idea about such material being associated with laughs. FRIGHTENING SCENES It's possible that some viewers may find scenes listed under "Violence" as suspenseful, but most are portrayed in an action-oriented and not suspenseful fashion. Nick and the two monks find themselves sinking in quicksand (although this is played more for laughs than thrills). The same holds true for a scene where the obese Brother Micro finds himself hanging from the side of a bridge above a very high drop to a river below. GUNS/WEAPONS Handguns/Machine guns/Swords/Explosives/Spear: Used to threaten, wound, or kill people and/or destroy property. See "Violence" for details. Three hundred-mile range laser: What Ashton buys and threatens to blow up the Eiffel Tower with, but that never occurs. IMITATIVE BEHAVIOR Phrases: "Idiot," "Sideshow freak," "Screw" (nonsexual), "Ball buster," "I'm gonna get Jurassic on your ass," "Freakin'," "Freaks," "Sucker" and "Balls" (testicles). All of the action scenes listed under "Violence" may prove to be of imitative fodder for some kids (who would want to mimic all of the martial arts and other fighting, etc...). The same holds true for Simon's appearance -- multiple ear and nose rings, a piercing below his lower lip, dyed hair, multiple tattoos all over his body, etc... At the end of the movie, Nick shows up dressed and outfitted just like Simon (and with a pierced eyebrow). Nick distracts Simon, causing him to throw a small, metal ball off target, resulting in sounds of something breaking as well as the stereotypical screeching sound of a cat (as if it were frightened and/or hit by the ball) -- thus possibly giving kids the wrong idea about such material being associated with laughs. Nick makes all sort of annoying sounds or movements (imitating Chewbacca from "Star Wars," a T-Rex from "Jurassic Park") while Brother Micro does his similarly annoying impression of "Free Willy." JUMP SCENES A person suddenly swings down and into the camera shot. MUSIC (SCARY/TENSE) A moderate amount of suspenseful and action-oriented music occurs during the film. MUSIC (INAPPROPRIATE) None. PROFANITY At least 19 "s" words, 8 asses, 8 hells, 7 damns and 2 uses each of "Oh God," "Oh my God" and "For God's sakes" and 1 use each of "G-damn," "Jesus" and "Swear to God" as exclamations. SEX/NUDITY A few, classic nude statues are briefly seen here and there during the film. In various scenes we see women in high-cut bikinis that show nearly all of the sides of their hips, varying parts of their bare butts, and similarly varying amounts of cleavage. Claire shows cleavage and part of her bare butt in her bikini. Later, she wears a low-cut sundress that shows a great deal of cleavage. Nick briefly makes up a story about a person getting a sex change operation. We see Nick asleep on a sofa where he's having a sexual dream. As such, he repeatedly humps the cushion while licking at a pillow (when awakened, he states that he was having a dream with Drew Barrymore). Claire and Michael briefly do some passionate making out. When Simon tells Nick to tell The Dancer that they should go somewhere so that she won't be able to "screw with you," Nick repeats that to her but gets it wrong saying that they should go someplace where "I can screw you….where you can screw me…" Simon and The Dancer get into a fight where their accidental tearing off of the other's clothes turns into foreplay. We thus see him shirtless and her in her bra and panties (with cleavage). They then end up on a waterbed where we see part of her bare butt (in her underwear). She then gets on top of him and licks his face and they make out (with her stating that she wants to "work out"). As a strobe effect then starts (which makes things difficult to see in a clear fashion), the two then start fooling around even more. Thus, we see her in her skimpy bikini underwear (and the side of her bare butt) and see her pulling his pants off, along with other associated groping (and the two changing positions on each other and her pleasured facial reactions). It doesn't appear that any nudity or graphic movement, however, occurs. Some time after they're done, she knees him in the gut or crotch and he asks what that was for. She replies it was for him coming over to her place and thinking he could get what he thought he'd get (sex). Micro mentions that he previously worked undercover at a strip joint and that's where he got the nickname, "Free Willy." He then adds that his name was sometimes "White Chocolate" if he was "feeling a little sassy." SMOKING Simon, Nick and the two monks each smoke a cigar once, while a miscellaneous woman smokes. TENSE FAMILY SCENES Claire gets mad at her father for what she believes is his intention to break up her romance with Michael. TOPICS TO TALK ABOUT Why people (or in this case, athletes) who are not trained as actors think they can and should be in movies. All of the violence that occurs in the film. VIOLENCE Some of Ashton's thugs attack a car carrying Colonel Telore (breaking a headlight, spray painting it, driving over it with a motorcycle that breaks the windshield, etc...). One of them then breaks the glass in one of its doors with his hand. Ashton destroys the monks' high-tech surveillance fly with his sword. Some of Ashton's thugs hit Colonel Telore (including with a chain) and knock him to the street. Two of them then try to clothesline Simon off his bike, but he slides beneath them and they wipe out and then flee once he pulls out his gun. Nick distracts Simon, causing him to throw a small, metal ball off target, resulting in sounds of something breaking as well as the stereotypical screeching sound of a cat (as if it were frightened and/or hit by the ball). Some thugs pull out guns on Simon and Nick. As Simon hands them the briefcase they want, he suddenly kicks one of them and then throws the other one aside and he and Nick take off running. The Dancer appears and kicks Simon to the ground. Nick tries to pull out his gun while Simon and her exchange blows until she grabs a briefcase and runs out. Simon follows her and more kicking and other blows are delivered from one to another. The two monks walk toward Nick firing their guns at him (but they turn out to be filled with blanks). Simon knocks several people -- who work for Ashton -- unconscious. XIN-XIN and Simon get into a martial arts fight complete with plenty of kicks and punches and some throwing across the room. The Dancer then joins into the fight with both and eventually holds a gun on XIN-XIN. Having found Claire, Nick holds a gun on Michael who kicks the gun from his hand and pushes him to the ground. Michael and Simon then get into it with Simon throwing Michael onto a car. Michael comes back and tries to attack him again, but Simon sends him flying into a grocery cart that then goes careening down a street. Some bad guys chase after Simon, Nick and Claire and fire guns at them, riddling Simon's car with bullets. Ashton shoots at Colonel Telore several times and a big, but non-bloody gun battle breaks out with machine gun fire and some explosives injuring or killing many people (we later hear that twelve were killed). Simon repeatedly throws The Dancer's date aside (but not to harm him). She then hits Simon with her purse and the two get into another battle (with her pulling out a knife) that then turns into foreplay for their following sex scene. Michael fights with a guy in a suit who tries to abduct Claire but stops when a gun is pulled on him. XIN-XIN then shows up and he and Michael briefly get into a fight with the former beating up the latter, knocking him out. The Dancer knees Simon in the gut or crotch, doubling him over. A motorcycle thug breaks through a monastery's doors with his bike and he and his buddies fire their machine guns into a confessional along with throwing some explosives in there. They then go down to the monks' high-tech headquarters and trash the place, shooting the equipment with machine guns and throwing some explosives, etc... Simon encounters Colonel Telore hanging upside down from a swinging cable with a grenade in his hand (and more of Ashton's men aiming guns at him). Ashton then shoots Telore who drops the grenade. Simon dives for and catches it, and then throws it at Ashton. It explodes and his men then open fire on Simon and chase him through the building continuing to fire at him in a kitchen. There he uses various items (a pot, a refrigerator door, something that explodes in a microwave, etc...) to knock out the various assailants. He then knocks another thug out a window who falls to his death on a car below. We see that Ashton's thugs have Claire gagged and bound to a chair. Michael briefly holds a gun on Simon and Nick until Nick gives him some weapons to use against Ashton. Ashton shoots at Simon but hits one of his own men instead and Simon returns fire as well. Meanwhile, Brother Micro hits several of Ashton's men with his sheep herding staff, sending one falling from a bridge to his death below. When Micro ends up hanging off the side of the bridge and a thug tries to knock him off, Simon shoots the thug (who's injured or killed). Michael knocks a thug off a ledge and kicks another guy. Other assailants shoot at him and he shoots one of them. He then fights with another guy while Nick shoots and accidentally kills a thug. A motorcycle crashes into a car and explodes. Thugs shoot at Simon who returns fire and hits two of them (injured or killed). The Dancer shows up and shoots a thug dead and then hits another. Nick shoots another guy while another shoots a machine gun at him. He then shoots and kills another person (killing at least three that way) and then throws a spear that kills another person (after Michael was fighting more thugs). The Dancer shoots a person and then smashes another against a gate. More thugs shoot at Simon. Nick elbows a man with Michael following that by punching that man. Another thug shoots at Simon with a machine gun through a window. Simon then grabs a thug and throws him from the ledge to the ground below (all while Ashton is preparing his laser to destroy the Eiffel Tower). Simon and XIN-XIN fight with the latter trying to hit the former with something resembling a large wrench. Ashton shoots at Simon and the two then get into a fight (including a sword fight of sorts -- Ashton has a sword, Simon has the hard sheath cover). Simon punches Ashton several times. A man is impaled by a cane/sword that goes through his body and then hits an electric grid behind him, electrocuting him and another man. A building explodes, presumably killing two people inside it. Reviewed September 24, 1999 / Posted September 25, 1999

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